1. January 24
grief creeps quietly backwards, my mood ring has never changed back from black

you can find me recreating nightmares
i spent 3 nights falling asleep in snow banks hoping my feelings would freeze over
i want to push myself through the ice to see the world from underwater
find me hanging neck broken on your front porch
daisy in my pocket
im floating above all things that keep me up at night

i am a bruise pushed over your mountainous trail over and over and over

how painful is this life?

do you want to die like you know i do?

2. I Fucking Hate Sports
life's just a pissing contest, nobody exists on purpose
things might not get any better, but they might get a little easier

you make me feel like a bug who has lived a full life
like a bee who has never had to sacrifice its stinger

if you have the time, call me when you can

life's just a pissing contest, nobody exists on purpose
if you have no idea where you're going, it's fine
neither does anyone

maybe we could go together

3. San Francisco
walked 10 miles to a hole in the ground
now the only ghosts i see are pieces of you still reflected in me

i hope you destroy yourself
drive fast into the burning bridge
and leave me on the side of the road
but you'll live
it will be a ritual of remembering

hang your family from your living room ceiling fan with your small intestine
but they'll live
and it will be a ritual of remembering

you said no matter how many candles i light in a black mass
it will never change everything that i still lack

but im still waiting for pieces of your ear in the mail
and i'm still carving "I AM MY OWN GOD" deeper into my forearm every day

so what the fuck has changed? what the fuck has changed?

yellow paint won't change the world, my little van gogh
and you deserve so much happiness

you deserve so much more than this

4. One by Metallica
empty wall
shadows in the hall
ghosts in the window

chills in the home, though you left the candle burning
wolves scratching at the back door

goodbyes written in a letter, taped to the table:
nothing has gotten better, nothing is getting better

past the point of painting bravely pushing payments that i don't have from my bank account
it can't be so bad, each according to the rule
you never underestimated the superflous zeus and leda with the swan
making due so often on the back wall hiding behind neptune "what does that mean?"
you could never strike a deal as heavy as his him when the plan is bobbed and rich topped
i wish it was mine and I wish I had the same dimes as he had well
always thought he'd cock it up but if nothing will we'll lock it up but he did it right, he locked it up
and i can't even touch it now
and i don't know what to do with these bones, oh these bones
i never had my heart, is hell a song?

fuck your ghost town
i'm burning the house to the ground
nothing is getting any better

5. Sleep Paralysis
a reoccurring dream
of you and me on the train
knee caps to knee caps
my hands placed over your palms
and we ride end to end
until we cry enough to
make the river rise
and we drown

you haunt my sleep
called me weeping, choked on your tears
chattering through shattered teeth
and i know it's lucid, but it seems so real when you come to me
and you say "you haunt me, and we meet in your dreams."

i know it's lucid but it seems so real when you come to me and you say "you haunt me, and we meet in your sleep"

but i know it's just a dream

6. Happy Anniverary
closet filled to the top with miserabilia,
i often count how many steps we are apart
flip over in bed, and smell you in my pillows
i see a bull running in the fields and i'm scared

waking up 900 miles away from home expecting to see you floating face down in the okanogan river
i was scared my rock would sink, and it did
and you did

if you died i wouldn't be light, but i wouldn't be heavy anymore

happy anniversary

7. You + Me = Slipknot
soft thoughts, pink bruises
floral blankets, sunday afternoons

you plucked flowers from my mothers garden to lay across my cold, grey grave
walked past a doe with a throat covered in blood on your walk home
drank wine straight from the bottle that evening
kissed your girlfriend on the palms and went to bed
all you've ever done was take

you are slowly unravelling pieces of you that were sewn into me so well
i figured i lost you on the first sunday in june
there was no rain in april
and no flowers in may

it's been two years, and you're still taking
and im still paying

every day has been like sunday
silent and grey

black hair, nails on a chalk board
walls covered in maps, sunday afternoons

and everyday has been like sunday
silent and grey