this page isn't linked anywhere on my website. i'm hoping the only way to navigate here is through the activity page or through my profile activity page. so if youre here, hey!

ask me anything

09/16/21 started a new job,
🎧 listening to new episode of Philip Defranco
🌔 moon phase is in 81.8% waxing gibbous

*I am adding the moon phase to my entries now to be more aware of its placement when I am drawn to blogging! I am a cancer after all, ~*ruled by the moon*~

I spend such inadequate time organizing and unclouding my thoughts trying to write these blogs sometimes. It can be such a waste of time for me, because ultimately, I let myself down by not being able to articulate myself well enough for my thoughts to be easily digested by readers, but if I write carelessly I get extremely embarrassed!

Anywho, started a new job. Same structure as the last one. 12 hour shifts, I take the shuttle, I work 4 days on 3 days off, 3 days on 4 days off rotating, get paid a little more than the last job though. Its a sister type company to my last job, they don't push you as hard, but its in the same factory. My last manager's daughter actually started with me, her Dad was never awful to anyone, he got promoted from supervisor of the area to manager just before I left.

First week of orienation I spent in Reno. A few things happened that I am more or less trying to suppress. Hindsight, one of the better days me and my boyfriend had dinner with my friend R at her apartment. It was fun and I had a good time and I think my boyfriend enjoyed the experience as well. I felt uncomfortable most of the week I was in Reno because I was overstimulated and I prefer to be alone, but spending the night over at R's house was the best it could've possibly gotten. She made me feel relaxed as possible and I honestly spent most of my time with her laughing and watching Tik Tok's. It was extremely meaningful for me. I never feel comfortable around my friends, I always feel like I have to perform, but R is an ethereal being. In a spiritual sense, I don't think anyones purpose is to heal others or be who you are for others, but sometimes I think her light is so big once you step into it you can't do anything but feel safe.

It's a little hard to continue blogging right now. I missed my shuttle today because I've been having to take morning shifts while in training even though I am a graveyarder. They don't have graveyard trainers so this is my only option. So I am at home today, and everyone just got home with their kids so its loud. I wont try to clean up this paragraph of the entry because I'm annoyed. My aunt's children went through my aunt's belonging's the first week of September and found a meth pipe in her things. It made me cry because I had been forced to watch her son so many times while she made midnight trips to Reno and wasn't back until the morning. I have a few theories that it may or may not be hers, but I don't care, a child lives here. Her daughters, who are our neighbors, have been extremely awful to me. Even last night after being up at 3a for work and finally making it home at 9:30pish, her daughter yelled "Where do you think youre going!", I didn't look behind me, I wasn't sure if she was talking to me, because I live here, but there was no follow up from anyone else, not even her, but I had an airpod in, so maybe I didn't hear it. Hearing her daughters voice outside just annoys me. Maybe I'll unfold it a little better for a different post, but for now I'm too hyper vigilant.

Also, I've been sober for 10 days. So that's cool.

I cant drink away anixety, embarressment, painful experiences. I am capable of true fullfilment, I know it. I love thinking, practicing, and being a weapon to wrecken with, but the way I live is just sad. I'm meant for meaningful experiences, I'm meant for love and friendship, I'm meant for succsess and fullfilment, how could I accepted less? I wouldn't want to sell myself short or oversell myself, but how can I measure? I'm not sure if I believe or care about *purpose* or divinity but I know I want my true potential. What is it? There's a wall in my head I cant climb though, my emotions are consuming, I am aware I'm hiding from them.

I have to process my childhood and young adulthood, this is just what I have to do in order to be a good partner and friend. I feel emotionally and socially delayed, while simultaneously feeling more educated than most of my peers and thats very confusing for me. I have lived my life telling myself to look hot and approachable to the male gaze *I* prefer, and have deglected creativity and development even when it came natural to me in order to be what I perceived as accepted. Currently I feel rooted in pain of my childhood, I am angry at my mom and dad for not raising me, but also very sympathetic for them. I've always believed myself to be a selfish person but am I? Acknowleding and understanding their abandonment, but shushing my own? I just hope wet brain doesn't set in before I can conceptualize the importance of why my mom shouldve had an abortion even if God didn't want her to.

I've been exploring why I could hate the Christian God for that reason. Or the way people practice *loving* him, I guess. But I lose interest in talking about it, I dont care about it. I would never cause harm to another for God and thats all that matters to me

I dont feel like typing or thinking anymore

but life is not a video game i guess. just wish i could see what i need to do to make my boyfriend like me more. but i guess the relationship wouldnt be good if it isnt organic. just feel like he likes me less now.

turned in applications today. have an interview for bartending at a really shitty bar in town. i havent bartended since i was 23 so its been a long time. ill have to get two jobs though because i need the money. im tired. goodnight

hah hah.

because I swear, every year I'm dragging my feet and quitting my job and then not working for a couple months and then just in time I pick myself back up and find a job and stop drinking. I'm embarrassed about it. Not telling anyone about it isn't helping, not being honest isn't helping. If I could move all my belongings to a safe place and get treatment for alcoholism I would. I've always been resilient, but I've also always been on my own. I don't know if I can be resilient anymore, I need support. I swear when I was 21-23 I could carry the weight of taking care of all my friends and let them live in *my* spare bedroom and even then I've always been a heavy drinker. Now I struggle and I never feel safe. I wish I could talk about how much money I've given to my roomate and helped with her son but I want to ignore it because no matter what, where do I go?

I wrote more but deleted it. I want to focus on the better things that are happening in my life. I have an *official* boyfriend. He doesn't know a lot about what's happening to me but at least somewhere in my life there is a small break. He has 0 substance abuse problems, he's not a punk, has his own apartment and car, and he likes me. One night I was beating myself up about not being *good enough* for him especially right now in my mental state. I was oversharing with him, being embaressing (I am always oversharing). He responded with "you are my equal". I can't articulate how this made me feel. I don't feel overwhelmed with having to peform affection for him like I have with others, and I am really enjoying it. Its a natural setting with him for me to want to feel adored and also to adore him. He knows I'm drinking a lot, its something I worry will cause a problem.

For right now thats all I have the energy to write.

hah hah.

im playing Stardew Valley for hours everyday. I'm not listening to new music. I am drinking way too much. The source for a lot of my problems is my roommate. I am "dating" someone right now. I'm not eating enough and I quit my job. Mitski cant save me now

I feel a little silly acknowleging this but its very weird to see my website copied on others' pages! It was mostly my divs, layout design, and gingham backgrounds for said divs but it was weird!!! I'm flattered in a way that isn't offensive and also tolerable, but then I remembered that someone *viewed* my disgusting mess of a source page and figured out how to make it work for them. It feels a lot like I have a freshly cleaned room but also secretly have expiring food hidden in bowls underneath my bed and then someone looked under there and saw it. But I'm also thinking, it can't be that bad if someone can navigate it well enough to embrace it and make it their own. I do have a lot of deeper thinking when it comes to personal style and individuality though too. I remember writing a chapter for a zine I never finished focusing on my self expression and how its deeply tied to my bpd. I think its a good idea to finish that writing but I'll have to find a time where articulating my thoughts isnt so turbulant.

Some thoughts I will touch up on at some point maybe after I wake up:
- moving out
- tomorrow is my birthday
- i want to make dresses

Also in reguards to my last post, my sweet kitty is okay!

Anyways I'm very tired and have already worked my full graveyard shift. Goodnight.

i think she got bit by something and will be okay BUT im glad i am off until wednesday to watch over her.
I will have to get a loan to take her to the vet if it gets worse
Shes been sleeping at the top of her cat tree all day long and stayed in my bedroom even while I was gone so I think she is in a little discomfort and pain. But she is eating and drinking just fine so thats a good sign

Its usually too painful for me to acknowledge behaviors I regret- like not being able to hold down jobs. Its even too painful to admit I want/need help. But this shits getting old, I have full medical insurance with extra coverage for mental health from this job, I'm not going to quit.

Things to do before quitting:
-seek further mental health diagnosis for community belonging, medication, and life improvment
-find out why my eczema is so bad
-find out if my chronic asthma is actually asthma and not something worse
-get blood tests done for help with malnutrition

I wanted to make commentary about getting hate on my guestbook for supporting blm but I'm supposed to be falling asleep by 10 and its already 9:15am.

Also, my trichotillomania is starting again.
I'll try to make another entry tomorrow if I'm not too tired after my shift

So much has happened since my last entry and I am finding it impossible to sort through my thoughts. My alcoholism is on high speed and I am out of ritalin. I have so many ideas for my blog and I cannot construct any of them. I wish I could pause time.

Absolutely everything is triggering agitation with me right now. The sound of my aunt's phone constantly getting called, people going the speed limit, how my beltloops constantly align with something that clips and pulls me back as I'm walking, my 4 year old cousin being a 4 year old too loudly, the birds outside chirping, the owl howling even though its 6:32pm. I'm overstimulated, my bedroom smells bad and I wish nobody was home so I could process in silence.

I'm going to add more later, but right now I can't focus.

🎧 the birds outside my window, its 6:53am and its time for bed

I'm waiting for something to pop up on one of my feeds that will inspire a thought worth blogging about but its just not happening.

I work today at 6pm and it's a mandatory overtime day for me so I'm bitter I will have wasted a free day for labor, and additionally I'm restless trying to find something that will give me satisfction to blog about before I run out of time. So instead I'm going to complain about work.

I work 12 hour shifts 6pm to 6am, 4 days on and 3 days off which rotates to 3 days on and 4 days off. I wake up idealy around 1pm (but between 12p-3p) to start getting ready for work. My routine takes about 2 hours and 30 minutes to complete but thats giving myself extra time. Our company offers a shuttle service to the surrounding cities and my shuttle leaves at 4:30p. My goal is to be finished for work by 4p, then drive to the shuttle station shortly after, but never later than 4:15p. I get on the shuttle, it takes roughly an hour to get there. We arrive around 5:30ish. In my department I am expected to clock in at 5:45p for a passdown meeting. We get three 15 minute breaks and one 30 minute lunch break. Shift is over at 6a, we then go to our cars to go home or get on the shuttle that that takes us back home and leaves at 6:15a. I get back to town roughly 7:10a. From there I decide if I'm getting food, beer, or need to run errands before I drive home. I fall asleep around 8a-10a. Roughly I'll get around 5 hours to 3 hours of sleep depending.

With that being explained, I'm tired even on my days off.

But despite the compaints, I dont really have much of a choice. This company locally accelerated housing inflation and is one of the only places that pays the income needed to live here. We can't live with it and we can't live without it so the bitterness lives.

At the very least, theres only 1 day of mandatory overtime this month and I will be off for one more day.

🎧 listening to some coding playlist on spotify but mostly because my laptop fan is loud but id rather be in silence

Okay so where do I start? I moved previously existing journal entries somewhere else because journaling is excruciating for me to revisit. It probably isn't as bad as I think it is, but what if it is?

I guess this journal is a cross between processing feelings when I'm going through an episode while also allowing the neocities community to know me a little better. I always click the diary/journal/blog page on other sites so theres a little understanding of an audience. I also feel a little obligation to pick up where I last journaled in August of 2020 and to also explain more introductory details as well.

Last I journaled I was talking about my ex best friend and ex roommate. There are still some things I'm still too embarressed to acknowlege but I spirialed out of control into the hospital and into my father's house in Oregon stemming from that situation. In Oregon I wasn't better but my dad would wake me up with vegan breakfest and buy me beer and sometimes we'd drink till we'd cry. My dad caring for me was a special time and I recongized I have a lot of healing to do in all of my interpersonal relationships. I stayed there all summer and I think I moved back home (not in the same city I was living in before Oregon) sometime before Halloween. I started rebuilding my life again in November 2020 as I started working again. Anything that happened prior to having this job I wish I didn't have to think about or confront but I feel safe being here now. I live in a two bedroom trailer with someone who was legally my aunt at one point and that comes with its own set of drama but here is where I feel protected now.

I still feel a darkness glooming over my future for some reason though. Maybe its a warning if I don't get mental help. Before I was coping with alcohol and pretending bad things weren't happening to me/around me but now I have health insurance so seeking help is an option.

What I want is to admire myself again, the same way I was 16-21. Take no shit, do no harm. I want self awareness to not be as painful as it currently is. I want to be able to connect emotionally with others again. I want to be there for my friends, the friends I haven't successfully pushed away. I want an identity, again, if I ever had one. I want to create art again, I want to share my art again, and I want to build relationships with others who relate to my work. I want to build relationships with others in general

I'll leave this post with that. I hope I'm able to journal painlessly a little more often, for now I'm gonna take it slow

Alright, so I'm ending my work day with a small check in. My shift went okay though it was a little messy towards the end. Tonight is my Friday and then hopefully I'l have a smoother looking page and better journal entries.