this page isn't linked anywhere on my website. i'm hoping the only way to navigate here is through the activity page or through my profile activity page. so if youre here, hey!

ask me anything

06/17/21 this time last year i quit my job and the year before that i didnt have a job at this time as well

Its usually too painful for me to acknowledge behaviors I regret- like not being able to hold down jobs. Its even too painful to admit I want/need help. But this shits getting old, I have full medical insurance with extra coverage for mental health from this job, I'm not going to quit.

Things to do before quitting:
-seek further mental health diagnosis for community belonging, medication, and life improvment
-find out why my eczema is so bad
-find out if my chronic asthma is actually asthma and not something worse
-get blood tests done for help with malnutrition

I wanted to make commentary about getting hate on my guestbook for supporting blm but I'm supposed to be falling asleep by 10 and its already 9:15am.

Also, my trichotillomania is starting again.
I'll try to make another entry tomorrow if I'm not too tired after my shift

So much has happened since my last entry and I am finding it impossible to sort through my thoughts. My alcoholism is on high speed and I am out of ritalin. I have so many ideas for my blog and I cannot construct any of them. I wish I could pause time.

Absolutely everything is triggering agitation with me right now. The sound of my aunt's phone constantly getting called, people going the speed limit, how my beltloops constantly align with something that clips and pulls me back as I'm walking, my 4 year old cousin being a 4 year old too loudly, the birds outside chirping, the owl howling even though its 6:32pm. I'm overstimulated, my bedroom smells bad and I wish nobody was home so I could process in silence.

I'm going to add more later, but right now I can't focus.

🎧 the birds outside my window, its 6:53am and its time for bed

I'm waiting for something to pop up on one of my feeds that will inspire a thought worth blogging about but its just not happening.

I work today at 6pm and it's a mandatory overtime day for me so I'm bitter I will have wasted a free day for labor, and additionally I'm restless trying to find something that will give me satisfction to blog about before I run out of time. So instead I'm going to complain about work.

I work 12 hour shifts 6pm to 6am, 4 days on and 3 days off which rotates to 3 days on and 4 days off. I wake up idealy around 1pm (but between 12p-3p) to start getting ready for work. My routine takes about 2 hours and 30 minutes to complete but thats giving myself extra time. Our company offers a shuttle service to the surrounding cities and my shuttle leaves at 4:30p. My goal is to be finished for work by 4p, then drive to the shuttle station shortly after, but never later than 4:15p. I get on the shuttle, it takes roughly an hour to get there. We arrive around 5:30ish. In my department I am expected to clock in at 5:45p for a passdown meeting. We get three 15 minute breaks and one 30 minute lunch break. Shift is over at 6a, we then go to our cars to go home or get on the shuttle that that takes us back home and leaves at 6:15a. I get back to town roughly 7:10a. From there I decide if I'm getting food, beer, or need to run errands before I drive home. I fall asleep around 8a-10a. Roughly I'll get around 5 hours to 3 hours of sleep depending.

With that being explained, I'm tired even on my days off.

But despite the compaints, I dont really have much of a choice. This company locally accelerated housing inflation and is one of the only places that pays the income needed to live here. We can't live with it and we can't live without it so the bitterness lives.

At the very least, theres only 1 day of mandatory overtime this month and I will be off for one more day.

🎧 listening to some coding playlist on spotify but mostly because my laptop fan is loud but id rather be in silence

Okay so where do I start? I moved previously existing journal entries somewhere else because journaling is excruciating for me to revisit. It probably isn't as bad as I think it is, but what if it is?

I guess this journal is a cross between processing feelings when I'm going through an episode while also allowing the neocities community to know me a little better. I always click the diary/journal/blog page on other sites so theres a little understanding of an audience. I also feel a little obligation to pick up where I last journaled in August of 2020 and to also explain more introductory details as well.

Last I journaled I was talking about my ex best friend and ex roommate. There are still some things I'm still too embarressed to acknowlege but I spirialed out of control into the hospital and into my father's house in Oregon stemming from that situation. In Oregon I wasn't better but my dad would wake me up with vegan breakfest and buy me beer and sometimes we'd drink till we'd cry. My dad caring for me was a special time and I recongized I have a lot of healing to do in all of my interpersonal relationships. I stayed there all summer and I think I moved back home (not in the same city I was living in before Oregon) sometime before Halloween. I started rebuilding my life again in November 2020 as I started working again. Anything that happened prior to having this job I wish I didn't have to think about or confront but I feel safe being here now. I live in a two bedroom trailer with someone who was legally my aunt at one point and that comes with its own set of drama but here is where I feel protected now.

I still feel a darkness glooming over my future for some reason though. Maybe its a warning if I don't get mental help. Before I was coping with alcohol and pretending bad things weren't happening to me/around me but now I have health insurance so seeking help is an option.

What I want is to admire myself again, the same way I was 16-21. Take no shit, do no harm. I want self awareness to not be as painful as it currently is. I want to be able to connect emotionally with others again. I want to be there for my friends, the friends I haven't successfully pushed away. I want an identity, again, if I ever had one. I want to create art again, I want to share my art again, and I want to build relationships with others who relate to my work. I want to build relationships with others in general

I'll leave this post with that. I hope I'm able to journal painlessly a little more often, for now I'm gonna take it slow

Alright, so I'm ending my work day with a small check in. My shift went okay though it was a little messy towards the end. Tonight is my Friday and then hopefully I'l have a smoother looking page and better journal entries.