🎧 Soccer Mommy - "Flaw""I choose to let it stew, oh I choose, choose to blame it all on you"
and i am really defensive about why. I think this friend did a lot for me. I think this friend was defensive for me in the start of our friendship and I think this friend tried to hold in their expolsive episodes so I did not experience them from her. Even though I did experience the outbursts in a threatening way twice. Thought I am admitting she has been kind to me, I am not confused about how I feel (for once). I am glad she is not in my life anymore. I'm of course talking about the person I've been complaining about for weeks/months, "M".
I havent found a lot of reasons to "cancel" or demand too much from people as I've grown older. M almost thrived from completely destroying and "outing" people. The outing I couldnt stand behind was always about drama between friends and never about issues that threatened the community she had been excommunicated from repeatedly. I didn't like that community anyways, I've always felt like a black sheep and I havent tried very hard to fit in. Because of that I became a little scared of her. I watched her do a lot of manipulative things, I heard her deny being physically abusive to her ex's and I almost feel the complete loss of energy going into what I've seen her do/experience her say.
When I see people "outing" others or making posts about them cosnstantly it makes me supress my true self. With M it felt often that whatever she could do to argue her point even if her point served nothing but her ego she would do it even if it was at the expense of people close to her. My battles I chose to fight are most of the time not about me but are usually battles I am asked to fight from people being abused.
I've found it hard to agrue with her because anything would tick her off. I wasnt in a position of power and we lived together. She gave me a lot of things I didn't ask for, food, clothes ect. When things got hard for her I found it extremely difficult to be her friend because of how dramatic the scenes she would were. Between when we were climbing the rooftop of our apartment, how she responded about covid and her hypocritical analysis, to the extreme episode she had towards me and others at our birthday party.
I told her I had created a list of everything she had said that was manipualtive or exploitive towards me for months. Thats and ugly thing to say to someone. I asked that she be aware of some of the things she says so I can find a way to feel more comfortable speaking up for myself. I told her I had been a bad friend because I was afraid of her. She responded pretty well but I somehow expected a blow up. A couple days around maybe a week later she accused me of lying about things and told me "my days of lying has come to an end". Mostly what she had heard was a lie E had spread around about me. I got drunk with my friends and I blew up. I held in my anger too long. I cant downplay how I acted because it was cruel and most of what I said didnt make sense. I ended having to go the mental hospital that night but was released the next day. A week later my Dad picks me up from from Reno and now I am living with him in Oregon. I abandonded my year lease. I just left.
I am always afraid to blog because it causes to me to confront myself honestly with what is happening and forces to me process my emotions. I hate processing my intense feelings. I am afraid I will respond inappropriatly so it feels better to completely ignore how I feel. And thats what I did with M. I was afraid of her outbursts, I was afraid of being dumbed down to Facebook post. I still havent fully processed everything that happened.
M's ex best friend before me messaged me. She explained that she drifted away from M when her and I became friends and that her life became a lot better and free when she did not have to worry about the fits M would throw if she did not do as M wanted. It felt good to be validated.
I dont feel guilty as much as I feel embaressed for my breakdown. Maybe I'll feel different later. But for now I don't hope M makes another best friend who is in a vulnerable mindset. I don't wish her happiness and I am glad I am free to be myself
🎧 I Hate Sex - "One by Metallica""goodbyes written in a letter, taped to the table: nothing has gotten better, nothing is getting better. past the point of painting bravely pushing payments that i don't have from my bank account, it can't be so bad, each according to the rule"
🎧 Hoax - "Living On The Brink of Suicide""terrified piece of shit, isn’t life so fucking big? i piss my pretty little bed cause i’m too scared to try and face it"
A lot of things happened with E that I didn't know was happening. None of it truly had to do anything to do with me but he asked me to message people spreading rumors about his friends and to ask them to stop. But it was still relevent to me, I'm sick of having these conversations with him. I don't care if his friends are getting hurt from his past actions. All this man does is take from me.
To top it off I am tired of M's vague facebook posts about me, I'm sick of feeling like even if they're not about me, they're about me. Feelings are fluid, dont make it a fucking public issue. Pubic embaressment makes me suicidal and when shes falling away from one best friend she always gets close to another person which is whats happening right now. So not only am I confused by wanting to end our friendship but I also feel left out and further betrayed. I'm feeling suicidal between M and E problems. If I had the choice of walking out of this lease with enough money to leave town and never talk to her or E again I probably would.
I downloaded all of my data from Instagram and perm deleted my accounts. I am requesting my data from Facebook and deleting that account too. I do have a small account I will be using to contact two of my friends, who I also dont feel care about me that much. But I am dissapearing from everyones life in my personal life. I know this is a bad idea but it feels good to have control over being visable while I am being hurt.
My sister told me she loves me and I don't have to go through this alone and I started crying. I know she means well but I've asked her for help before and she responded with cruelness. So with that being said I feel very alone right now and unable to ask for help. I don't have enough to pay for rent and I don't have a job. I don't have parents to ask for help. I cant even afford foundation.
I'm going to take some sleepy medications so I can sleep for the rest of the day. I don't want to be awake when M gets home. I'm going to try to be quiet so she doesn't know I'm here.
My life is an invetable waiting room for when I sucessfully kill myself. I only value the time where I am not pressured to open up. I am embaressed by my moments of vulnerbility and because my emotions/feelings are so intense people feel safe with misunderstanding when I tell them its too hard for me to talk about. They don't feel how I feel so they cant relate. I'm angry at my best friend and theres something wrong with my body. I feel like I'm about to have seizure 80% of my time awake and my insomnia is so bad because I shake and my entire body jerks. The worst part is how loud sounds hurt sometimes. Its feels neurological. When my grandma died from cancer just a couple years before is when she found out my grandpa had been molesting my aunt. My grandparents raised me and I can make a book about abuse from my Grandpa and how staying secret affects your adulthood but who am I kidding? I cant even demand respect from people close to me yet alone talk publicly about abuse. I know its stupid but sometimes I think anxiety, depression, abuse can cause physical sickness. I feel crazy saying what happened with my aunt and grandpa probably gave my grandma cancer but I mean, you weren't there, I was. And now I hope I'm dying too. I'm going to have to conjure the nerve to jump of the parking garage soon. I don't know if the casinos are open for me to have access right now but I don't want to live in physical and emotional pain.
god i wish the sleeping pills would work. the only things that combats my insomnia is alcohol or weed, but in large quantities and i have neither. should i add a chat box on this journal page? im probably gonna. i wanna talk to the void, i want the void to talk back
anyways. whats the point in apologizing. any harm you've caused won't be cured by self hatred and loathing, debating on if you actually care about causing harm. it also goes hand in hand with backlash from "good people". them wanting accountability without constructing a genuine plan of healing. i feel nothing but stagment. i feel like im a shell of someone who used to strive for compassion.
I am conflicted in what I want to say involving my most recent ex. On one side I want to be kind and generous, on the other side I want to be cruel and insensitive because being kind will mislead him into thinking him and I are friends. We started dating 7/8 months after a tumultuous mutual breakup with a person I had been seeing off and on for 10 years. We'll call him 'E' and my most recent ex 'N'. Long story short E and I's relationship ended with being bombarded with messages from him resulting in blocking him on every social media and as a last resort he would send me email after email that was nothing short of gaslighting and manipulation. I was very confused, very hurt, and very angry towards E. It's been a year since the break up, we are talking again now, we have been open the topics of abuse and why we treated each other the way we did. Neither of us are fully healed and we probably shouldnt even be talking like we do but the story is not about him.
While dating N, I have to admit I talked about E a lot. I've never been over E but I had intimatly told N about what happened with E and expressed what can and cannot happen based on my experience. N was drunk a lot, I was drunk a lot, together we were constantly drinking. I had reasons why I wanted to break up with N that weren't as intrusive as the time I woke up and he was doing doing something to me I loudly expressed to never fucking do. I remember looking in his eyes and being absolutely fucking disgusted by him, but I played it off, as usual.
Anyways, we've been broken up for a while now, couple months. I go through the process of blocking him so I don't have to interact with him, normal break up stuff. I started to get a few finsta accounts following me, with no posts, following 1 person: me. I always block accounts like those because my rapist stalked me for years and as of last year was trying to get in contact with me again. I'm always afraid its my rapist. But when I would make posts about my laptop the one account I didn't block would respond. Eventually I post a picture of me and my best friend M. I was smoking from a weed pipe he had bought me. I was then met with emails from N!! I cant express how annoying it is to tell your partner at the time about something super invasive that happened to you just for him to USE YOUR PERSONAL EMAIL to repeat what your abuser did to you?? I'm disgusted. I had to go as far as block him on Reddit because I was too nervous to vent or comment on posts in fear he would be reading everything. Indirectly figuring out how to block the ony person who follows me on Reddit, I ended up seeing some of the posts he made in reguards to our relationship ending. I didn't read the posts in full, just the previews to the full post. Most of them said "I got broken up with because I love too hard and I scare people away". Reading what he posted and remembering every new Tinder account he made and Tinder gold showing me that he liked me on every new account.
E and I have made tough reconciliations. We talk about abuse, we talk about why he did what he did, why I responded, why we are the way we are and that we will always care about each other in some time of compacity. Me and N could never have that companionship. Fast foward to today, E messages me. He says he accidently hung out with N. I tell him he tried sending emails and it made me so angry. I hope N doesn't see this as an opportunity to conact me.
I feel like I'm being a hypocondriact, none of this is a big deal. But I needed to vent because my best friend doesn't seem to care that N is being weird, in fact shes super friendly with him. I want this boy out of my life, out of my internet presence, away from the people I'm close with and im fustrate that he keeps trying to contact me
on 4/22 me and my roomate "M", our friend "Z", M's boyfriend "J", and my boyfiend "N" decided to have a kickback at our apartment. We all have been around each other since Quarentine except I personally havent seen Z for months. All of us are dumb kids in our mid 20's and havent been around absolutely anybody besides our co-workers, roomates, partners, and each other. So having a few people over was SO comforting since we are all missing our favorite bars. *We live in Nevada, where bars don't close and the city doesn't sleep. We all shared whiskey and shitty vodka. It reminded me of the scene from Bold Native where Charlie reconnects with an old girlfriend while he was on the run. (full movies free on ty, but u canskip to the scene I'm referencing). We laughed and were making jokes but eventually it took a harsh turn when we were all too drunk and decided we absolutely had to climb the roof to our apartment building.
I just got new keys after losing them almost 5/6 months ago so we went through a locked door to a community patio where the ladder was. It was beautiful, if there's anything I like doing its climing on top of any roof and drinking. We decided to all climb down eventually agreeing to be extremely quiet since we could get caught very easily. M was the last person to climb down and we were all waiting inside looking out the window for her. N and Z went back to the apartment, M and I are lease holders so in case we did get caught her and I would be the only ones getting caught. But a while passed so I went outside to check out her. To preface, M suffers from bipolar and often has explosive anger and I've experiened it more than once but I don't usually respond back and don't usually stand up for myself. I don't think it would be fair to say she is easily angered but she does lose her cool if shes not in control. I would describe her as a very controlling friend and controlling partner as well. I feel guilty for admiting I feel those things about her because I have been a bad friend before too and I also have qualities that aren't easily likeable or understandable and her illness does not make her a bad friend, she is an amazing friend.
But back to the story, the second I walk out there (aboslutely everyone is alowed on that community patio no matter what time btw) 2 residents in our building saw her and started screaming "YOU CANT BE UP THERE" and she started to panic and yell back, making the situation worse and louder. I quitely got mad at her for not being more descrit, not being level headed and just not handling the situation. It was the middle of the night, so this situation could've easily involved the cops. Afraid of angering her and triggering her lashing out on me I tried to stay with her to walk back to the apartment, instead she was yelling at me, I can't even remember what she said because I immidetaly hit flight mode and dipped. I've been in situations like this before where I had to be quiet and calm and look for an escape to prevent being arrested, usually everyone you're with has an understanding of what to do if you're with anyone. And it's probably my fault for not having this discussion with everyone before hand and being drunk doesn't make it any better.
So I'm back at the apartment, M walks in screaming at the top of her lungs with Z asleep on the couch. For the first time in our friendship of 6/7 years, I yell back. It's not likely for me to lash out at people espically not a screaming match, so she storms in her bedroom with her boyfriend J who was already in there. She's sobbing and screaming and I tell N that I'm just gonna grab my stuff and dip because I didn't want any cops knocking on our door. We go to his house. N has therapy at 9 in the morning to 3 in the afternoon so he was up early. He woke up to tell me that M had left him a suicide note. This is the second time M has been suicidal in 2 months, and she just started her medication for bipolar again 3 weeks ago. I am swimming with guilt because I know I triggered this situation by responding to her anger but I am also still angry because I cant help but to feel she was being manipulative because she lost control. I never know what the right thing to do is with her. Sometimes it feels like shes extremely understanding and loving and other days it feels like no matter what I do she is going to find a way to belittle me.
I hated writing this story so I might delete this entry after a while. M is okay, her boyfriend was there with her and we have talked since. I'm not gonna spell check or fix anything in this entry today
its been well over 30 days since we've been shut down and I did not use my time learning new skills. Instead I've been drunk or high or angry at someone I've spent time with in quarentine.
What I've recognized about myself during this time is that I crave low intimacy relationships. Surface level, only-know-me-from-a-distance type closeness. Only touched when asked. Only spoken to when desired. It reminds me of the song The Khayembii Communique – A Year And An Ocean. But I get sad that I don't have deep connections with people. In a way, I don't want people to know me well enough because I'm scared that they won't like me and reject or abandon me but I'm sad that I feel so misunderstood and also misunderstand myself. I make value from how I'm perceived and crave acceptance but I don't connect with absolutely anyone at all. So I'm left constantly confused and nervous of closeness. cAnT hAtE mE iF u NeVeR gEt 2 Kn0W m3
I am so paranoid about my boyfriend finding my journals but its so necessary during this time to have thoughts without feeling invaded. But he already said he lurked through the neocities and I don't have my journal linked to any page specifically but its possible he's learned to navigate the site aka learning how to just use my profile page to find updates. But it's holding me back from just venting. I hate withholding. More often than not, I don't think I want to be in a relationship with him and it might just be because I'm a bad person. Which also reminds me of the song Pedestrian At Best by Courtney Barnett
But I have a few things to look foward to during this time.
-getting a new phone either today or tomorrow.
-getting new glasses because losing my old glasses and never replacing them has proven to fuck up my vision
-new septum ring coming in the mail this week and also restretching my septum back to a 2 since I have a job that doesnt require me to profressional looking these days
favorite songs rn:
1. succubus by craig xen
2. ricky by denzel curry
There's another song I keep thinking of about how I feel and it's Waiting by City and Colour. "So say goodbye to love and hold your head up high
There's no need to rush we're all just waiting, waiting to die
Hope in better place is all I need with moments of innocence and mystery oh it's the little things you miss like waking up all alone
oh it's the little things you miss when you're underneath it all"
Another thing that is bothering me is how much my co-workers (I'm still working 3 days a week under eSsEnTiAl employee stuff which is cool bc rent is paid even though we shouldnt be paying rent under this virus, this is a run-on and political, but I'm not gonna get crazy under parentheses) keep talking about my ex off and on for (almost) 10 years. He worked for the shop I work at now for years and was a shift supv. Two days in a row he was brought up by co-workers. This person was the second person I had been with in my entire life. I'm not sure if he knows that. We saw each other off and on for close to that 10 years: before he was married, I guess during, and after their seperation. He emailed me, saying our anniversary of when we first "offically together" happened. I wish I did not wish I was somehow under his arm. I don't understand why he'd ever love me knowing I cannot reciprocate what he offers me but I also think he feels the same.
well, i must confess i am still in a transitional period. i don't feel unstable as much as i feel stressed. i don't care that me and my ex best friend arent best friends anymore. it just feels... unrequited? i don't fully feel my emotions about the situation. one of my other closest friends wants to say things to her/about her in defense over me but its fustrating because it feels like she gets to speak for me. we'll call ex best friend A and my closest friend B. when i have vented about A im always aware that my anger or sadness is fleeting, which is why having someone else sort of speak for me without my permission feels so defeating. why would i want to worsen the sitation by saying things out loud that will probably hurt me more to say than it will hurt her. but i guess its bigger than me because B's partner was also effected by the things A was doing that was hurting us. B's partner is one of A's closest friends. i guess B is showing the same type of feirce love i've always yearned for in friendships, and definetly couldnt receieve from A. feirce love should be aprecicated not hindered i suppose. we all agreed that A had been lying and using unhealthy coping responces that looked like manipulation tactics, and the things that happened felt like betrayl and i had confronted her twice about how we were drifting apart and i was scared of losing her. we both have truama responces that make us use coping mechanisms that arent healthy for ourselves and for others, which makes me want to be more understanding to be more quiet while she goes through what she goes through even if hurts me or her other friends. i want B to not say anything to A, she already told me she was going to even i asked her not to. that alone makes me want to move out of town. but i don't know. at the end of the day A was doing super not okay things and still doing things that are tricky to confront. its probably better to pretend like nothing is happening. i wish i did not feel like i was abandoning anyone or feel like im allowing people to do shitty things while i turn a blind eye.
what also sucks is that i want to tell A that i slept in bed with someone i shouldn't have. we were wasted, i've always had a crush on him, but i dont think we had sex. i think i was too drunk either a) said no or b) fell the fuck asleep. i had my beanie in my hoodie when i woke up with all of my clothes still on so im assuming nothing happened besides maybe soft petting? i feel like if anyone found out they would hate me because him and his ex partner just barely broke up and its sort of clear they still have feelings for each other. everything i just mentioned is pure dramatics. but it also has worsened my want for affection. i woke up in the middle of the night and his arm was around me and we were just cuddeling. i don't know if he thinks it was just a dumb mistake. we've definetly seen each other since it happened and everything was fine and normal. but its made me curious if he'd ever want to pursue anything with me? i feel lame about it. its possible im just feeling lonley and unlovable and looking in the wrong places for a quick fix. i have forced myself to not rush into anything since i left my last relationship. its important that i still live up to finding a true connection with someone.
going to the show, still no wifi in the apartment. marya is coming to pick me up but im anxious because the venue that the show is at is a bar and its evan's main bar he visits. i hope he is not there. i hope all of my crushes are there instead
i have another "secret" blog i could be writing on but i don't know if i want to use this one or that one from super priviate things. i just need to unload without having a structured way to describe what i need to vent about.
i got this person that i used to be friends with 86'd from my restaraunt. fuck i dont even talk about it. i think i just want to curl up in a ball and dissasociate. im talkng to jada, its not really helping, not sure if anything could help how i feel.
i feel a little wierd and embaressed because i am blogging from a coffee shop right now. I've moved into my new apartment and we still dont have wifi set up there yet so even though I've been wanting to be behind my computer screen, I can't really do much besides play games I already have downloaded via steam. But it's ok! Because as I mentioned in previous posts I'm taking the intitative to go out and exist publicly (I guess sitting in a public place typing isn't social but that's okay).
The coffee shop I am at right now is close to my work and I haven't been here before. I've been working 14 hour shifts while the opener for our restaraunt is on vacation (or s/t I really don't know why hes gone this week but I'm sure he's having a good time being away). So I've been given a 2 hour break to update. Before I left for my break our supv bought a black christmas tree (bc I work in a metal/goth themed restaraunt) and we decorated with red lights and honestly it felt so nice nd rewarding since my christmas tree is still at Clark Lane, and i dont know if/when ill get it back. It's beautiful and comfortable, maybe I'll post pictures later.
but oof, yesterday was horrible. Post abortion depression is real and heavy. Of course the last 6 hours of my 14 hour shift I was alone with literal interaction from customers so I was alone with my thoughts and meditating on how I feel. i went through a few senerios of situations in my head, but mostly over a specific person I cut out of my life. Theres a lot of emotional burden and what feels like unfinished business in that part of my brain and heart. I hope I stop missing him soon, I hope I stop being angry about him even sonner.
while im dealing with cutting out someone who hurt me over nearly 10 years, life is pretty okay too tho. Someone reached out to me who I thought I wouldn't cross paths with in a healthy way. We are seemingly allys and have good intentions, I hope we like each others personality. I hope I keep working on making new friends. I hope I overcome this saddness I am feeling about everything. The suicidal ideations are creeping back and are weighing heavier than the pros in my life right now. Support and friends would really help in overcoming that.
i wish i did not spend so much time anxiously analyzing about what everyone thinks of me. this shit just isn't going to matter to me in 5 years. im not sure if im edging another bpd episode, but deleteing all my social media and starting over is all i can think about. deleteing things never helps, just creates gaps in time that i cant look back on. i haven't had a depression episode in months, is this weird funk from the abortion? is it because its getting colder outside?
starting next week me and my best friend are moving in together with her partner. this is going to be a stable space for me in which i have my own. actual. space. i am very excited but im so used to living downtown that im anxious it will be harder for me to get to work during the winter. im not moving far away from downtown, but im a rat, i need to be down here. i'll have to make genuine efforts to draw in coffee shops and sit at bars for a full shift to make sure i am not isolating myself during this time. i am going to practice my skills to stay in a good head space. being around others brings me so much joy. i cant imagine living in isolation like i always used to. just have to see myself through this funk.
you know, i was thinking about my ex during my last blog entry. ironiclly he was outted for a few bad things he did that im not going to get into. i dont feel a need to vent or say anything on here. i hope the people he hurt dont feel isolated or mocked by him anymore. i hope everyone is okay and everyone recieves the healing theyre looking for. my opinions about it arent important.
i think about how often i want to write actual constructed peices of thought. sometimes i can do well written peices on my finsta, sometimes on my fb, but not often. i think about how good it would be for me to write about rape culture, or call out culture and my thoughts from beginning middle to end. what stops me is not wanting to associate myself with feminist culture where an uninformed thought stays uninformed in the eyes of whoever is responding even if time has passed or education was given ect. like you can say something that has meaningful knowledge but unless you have a flawless reputation and have gained social capital amongst popular groups then it doesn't really matter. good work is easily dismissed if youre unliked. that's what stops me. i don't feel like i have the energy a lot of the times to defend myself against whatever/whoevers projected exclusion i'm nervous about. i'm probably making up what im nervous about but it's the pattern i've always seen amungst anyone who shares thoughts about serious issues. so maybe im not making it up.
on a harsher note, i had an abortion this morning. i cant spell pregnant without abc spell check, so maybe its best i don't have a baby. until this morning i was 10 weeks along. i was complaining about stomach pains for 2 months until i took a pregnency test. i thought i had an ulcer, and was even given ulcer medication and a pregnency test in the er, it was a false negative. i wish they would have caught it earlier. i'm not sure if i feel bad about having an abortion. i'm a selfish person but empathetic to a fault but i process emotions very slowly because i am scared of how painful my thoughts/feelings actually feel. so i don't know if i care. im just glad i will be able to get out of bed and not throw up at work anymore.
i've been thinking about my ex i moved to this town with. i was so reckless with that boy. i bet he is happy i am not in his life anymore, it is good that we got seperated because i would not have been able to grow into the person i am now. i do wish for amicability, healing with both parties, respect granted on both sides. im not trynna be fake woke but like damn bro my chakras in line! i wAnNa dO sOmE hEaLiNg!
someone came into my restaraunt today and was telling me the story of how he lied to an older man when he was a teenager, he made the older man buy him alcohol and stayed at his house. he lied about his age and was the agressor but things that happened that night carried with him into his adulthood. one night while him and i were hanging out at this coffee shop, the man he lied to was outside on a patio. i can't remember if he was drinking with me but i was drinking vodka out of a plastic bottle, i encouraged him that day to go and confront the situation and talk about it. after chewing it over, he waltzed right over and talked to him and they spent hours talking. i didn't see him the rest of the night, so today he finished the story and explained what else happeend when he left. he explained that it was healing to offer understanding and communication to someone that hurt him, but also he was in the wrong as well. that type of thing is really mature and is what community could thrive on. but what do i know about community? nobody likes me and i don't like them either.
i added a poetry page and posted a bunch of old poetry from my blogspot. im too lazy to look at my notes for poems i've written recently, but maybe i will tonight after this. anyways, i turned my blogspot into a fashion blog at one point. i was so inspired by clothes, i was finally dressing in what i thought was cute and honestly, i peaked.
i wore these stupid shorts every single day. i wear these shorts still almost every single day. so dumb. anywho, im going to take shots of alcohol until i feel tried enough to sleep. im here, queer, and lush not a drunk !
im working on gifs and drawing again which is super rewarding. but also im revisiting old emotions from bad situations/drama between a group of friends i had over a year and a half ago. wondering how people feel about me now, reanalyzing the drama, the silence i held. i handled everything so badly. blaming bpd on things is ugly and explaining literally that my brain has structural abnormalities isn't ever going to be taken into consideration. and that's okay though. it's frustrating because i want to be understood, but also everyone has learning curves, everyones emotional understandings are different and it doesn't have to reflect mine, and their emotional understandings doesn't always mean a) that their intentions are to be undestanding or compassionate or b) that i was victimless. i made it an effort to not make decisions based on revenge because of how unable i was to stay logicial. i tried really hard. it worked. sometimes, recently, i wanted to act on my anger. i am glad i didn't. my emotions are so fleeting! i can be so toxic! i don't think demonizing myself helps with self growth, so i will practice and try to see at least a little bit of myself that is lovable. i don't know why i am thinking about this situation, i guess i just hope everyone is okay. i think about how jordan is doing sometimes. but at the same time there are so many things unfolding in my life. cutting out someone i've known for 10 years who my best friend begged me not to be around anymore. these weird things he did/said keep repeating in my head. things i did to other people in hopes of his acceptence are repeating in my head. there are so many bad thoughts but i've never had a stronger support system, never been more loved. so while i can blog about these things, they're not the only thing going on, they are easily dealt with. wild. being loved is cool.
i feel weird. somtimes it feels better to have a more private blog, where people from insta cant just look at. i guess that's my fault for having the link up, im also assuming nobody irl follows me on this account and also doesn't use neocities well enough for profile activity. from my experience, it has been very fruitful to talk about things even if i think my thoughts are crazy. the consequence is that i out loud say a fleeting thought/feeling, which then can be used against me, or that i use against myself in some type of destructive manor even if i recongize that i needed to feel it, but don't justify it after recongizing it. there's 3 things stacking in my brain right now. my friend wants to hurt someone that hurt them, her friends are telling her that im "feeding" thoughts into her. this person hurt me too, i understand how they feel. she is going to want to hurt this person reguardless, they will deserve it, but i can't have anything to do with it. it doesn't pay to stand up for yourself sometimes. 2nd thing is that another friend has ghosted me. very, very achey. first response is to ask them if i could change, and that i value them enough to be better, but the point of ghosting is to be quiet and avoid confrontation. i stopped being friends with one of my roomates before my last, she blocked me, actually. i stopped talking to her because she overstepped my boundaries. i was very brash with her, and soft blocked her. i wonder if the friend that ghosted me and my old roomate talked about it? i wonder if it's because i'm now roomates with her boyfriend's ex. those things make sense. she took me the mental hospital last year when i was suicidal, so this is a hard thing to grasp. 3rd thing is i called out one of my closest friends of all time. his current girlfriend followed me on instagram. i want a restraining order, so im waiting for her to message, or him. police reports only do so much. it feels like a lot. but. i know i'm loved and supported, and i can only move on. it's also. worth. living. through.
i do not know where to begin. i messed up big time and had something happen to me that i am very ashamed about. too ashamed to write about it in case anyone i know irl is reading this. other than the bad thing happening, my life is full of support and love. i moved into a new apartment with an old friend, which is cool, but also scary because roomates are scary and we are both very very poor. ive been working at my new job for almost 2 months, seems promising. my crushes are also manifesting which is very very cool. i want to write more and talk about things that are happening but i feel so weird and anxious right now for no reason
i am in love with everyone.
i can't get away from morning shifts.
i. am. not. dependable. enough. for. morning. shifts.
i drink! a lot! and i want to social and drink but socializing is hard for me and i cannot do it easily unless alcohol makes me less frigid.
i want to be available after 10p and not worry about showing up to work until the afternoon.
but it's whatever. im just gonna do what i have to do
i have to work really hard to overcome my impulses and not quit this job. i have to stay at this job for at least a year. i have an overwhelming guilt about no calling no showing at my last work place. i let everyone down a lot. i'm not dependable. but i want to be.
its very hard for me to relate to people, even the other girls ive met with bpd can still stay in one place for a long time. i can't even relate to them either. i hate feeling misunderstood.
after i moved and stopped bartending i haven't be able to stay at one place for a long time. it really bothers me. it feels like i've barista'd everywhere but i'm too afraid to actually work at a cool place.
i let my sister in on some of my secrets the other day. i told her about my ex boyfriend, i told her everything he had done. i promised myself i wasn't going to be public about him or hint to anyone about anything he's done. a small goal i have yet to mess up. wild that i am very close to my sister but i am more willing to let complete strangers know about my heartaches than someone i am close with.
i want to try and keep up with blogging. i want to be able to look back.
something really intrusive happened. lots of intrusive things have been happening.
but its okay because its okay for right now
im angry about how my youtube playlist alwys plays the front bottoms to the point where i hate them
I think this friend did a lot for me. I think this friend was defensive for me in the start of our friendship and I think this friend tried to hold in their expolsive episodes so I did not experience them from her. Even though I did experience the outbursts in a threatening way twice. Thought I am admitting she has been kind to me, I am not confused about how I feel (for once). I am glad she is not in my life anymore. I'm of course talking about the person I've been complaining about for weeks/months, "M".
truly had to do anything to do with me but he asked me to message people spreading rumors about his friends and to ask them to stop. But it was still relevent to me, I'm sick of having these conversations with him. I don't care if his friends are getting hurt from his past actions. All this man does is take from me. 
with my body. I feel like I'm about to have seizure 80% of my time awake and my insomnia is so bad because I shake and my entire body jerks. The worst part is how loud sounds hurt sometimes. Its feels neurological. When my grandma died from cancer just a couple years before is when she found out my grandpa had been molesting my aunt. My grandparents raised me and I can make a book about abuse from my Grandpa and how staying secret affects your adulthood but who am I kidding? I cant even demand respect from people close to me yet alone talk publicly about abuse. I know its stupid but sometimes I think anxiety, depression, abuse can cause physical sickness. I feel crazy saying what happened with my aunt and grandpa probably gave my grandma cancer but I mean, you weren't there, I was. And now I hope I'm dying too. I'm going to have to conjure the nerve to jump of the parking garage soon. I don't know if the casinos are open for me to have access right now but I don't want to live in physical and emotional pain.
'E' and my most recent ex 'N'. Long story short E and I's relationship ended with being bombarded with messages from him resulting in blocking him on every social media and as a last resort he would send me email after email that was nothing short of gaslighting and manipulation. I was very confused, very hurt, and very angry towards E. It's been a year since the break up, we are talking again now, we have been open the topics of abuse and why we treated each other the way we did. Neither of us are fully healed and we probably shouldnt even be talking like we do but the story is not about him. 
well, i must confess i am still in a transitional period. i don't feel unstable as much as i feel stressed. i don't care that me and my ex best friend arent best friends anymore. it just feels... unrequited? i don't fully feel my emotions about the situation. one of my other closest friends wants to say things to her/about her in defense over me but its fustrating because it feels like she gets to speak for me. we'll call ex best friend A and my closest friend B. when i have vented about A im always aware that my anger or sadness is fleeting, which is why having someone else sort of speak for me without my permission feels so defeating. why would i want to worsen the sitation by saying things out loud that will probably hurt me more to say than it will hurt her. but i guess its bigger than me because B's partner was also effected by the things A was doing that was hurting us. B's partner is one of A's closest friends. i guess B is showing the same type of feirce love i've always yearned for in friendships, and definetly couldnt receieve from A. feirce love should be aprecicated not hindered i suppose. we all agreed that A had been lying and using unhealthy coping responces that looked like manipulation tactics, and the things that happened felt like betrayl and i had confronted her twice about how we were drifting apart and i was scared of losing her. we both have truama responces that make us use coping mechanisms that arent healthy for ourselves and for others, which makes me want to be more understanding to be more quiet while she goes through what she goes through even if hurts me or her other friends. i want B to not say anything to A, she already told me she was going to even i asked her not to. that alone makes me want to move out of town. but i don't know. at the end of the day A was doing super not okay things and still doing things that are tricky to confront. its probably better to pretend like nothing is happening. i wish i did not feel like i was abandoning anyone or feel like im allowing people to do shitty things while i turn a blind eye.
haven't had a depression episode in months, is this weird funk from the abortion? is it because its getting colder outside?
im working on gifs and drawing again which is super rewarding. but also im revisiting old emotions from bad situations/drama between a group of friends i had over a year and a half ago. wondering how people feel about me now, reanalyzing the drama, the silence i held. i handled everything so badly. blaming bpd on things is ugly and explaining literally that my brain has structural abnormalities isn't ever going to be taken into consideration. and that's okay though. it's frustrating because i want to be understood, but also everyone has learning curves, everyones emotional understandings are different and it doesn't have to reflect mine, and their emotional understandings doesn't always mean a) that their intentions are to be undestanding or compassionate or b) that i was victimless. i made it an effort to not make decisions based on revenge because of how unable i was to stay logicial. i tried really hard. it worked. sometimes, recently, i wanted to act on my anger. i am glad i didn't. my emotions are so fleeting! i can be so toxic! i don't think demonizing myself helps with self growth, so i will practice and try to see at least a little bit of myself that is lovable. i don't know why i am thinking about this situation, i guess i just hope everyone is okay. i think about how jordan is doing sometimes. but at the same time there are so many things unfolding in my life. cutting out someone i've known for 10 years who my best friend begged me not to be around anymore. these weird things he did/said keep repeating in my head. things i did to other people in hopes of his acceptence are repeating in my head. there are so many bad thoughts but i've never had a stronger support system, never been more loved. so while i can blog about these things, they're not the only thing going on, they are easily dealt with. wild. being loved is cool.