monday december 16 2019
5:01p going to the show, still no wifi in the apartment. marya is coming to pick me up but im anxious because the venue that the show is at is a bar and its evan's main bar he visits. i hope he is not there. i hope all of my crushes are there instead

saturday december 7 2019
3:38p i feel a little wierd and embaressed because i am blogging from a coffee shop right now. I've moved into my new apartment and we still dont have wifi set up there yet so even though I've been wanting to be behind my computer screen, I can't really do much besides play games I already have downloaded via steam. But it's ok! Because as I mentioned in previous posts I'm taking the intitative to go out and exist publicly (I guess sitting in a public place typing isn't social but that's okay).

The coffee shop I am at right now is close to my work and I haven't been here before. I've been working 14 hour shifts while the opener for our restaraunt is on vacation (or s/t I really don't know why hes gone this week but I'm sure he's having a good time being away). So I've been given a 2 hour break to update. Before I left for my break our supv bought a black christmas tree (bc I work in a metal/goth themed restaraunt) and we decorated with red lights and honestly it felt so nice nd rewarding since my christmas tree is still at Clark Lane, and i dont know if/when ill get it back. It's beautiful and comfortable, maybe I'll post pictures later.

but oof, yesterday was horrible. Post abortion depression is real and heavy. Of course the last 6 hours of my 14 hour shift I was alone with literal interaction from customers so I was alone with my thoughts and meditating on how I feel. i went through a few senerios of situations in my head, but mostly over a specific person I cut out of my life. Theres a lot of emotional burden and what feels like unfinished business in that part of my brain and heart. I hope I stop missing him soon, I hope I stop being angry about him even sonner.

while im dealing with cutting out someone who hurt me over nearly 10 years, life is pretty okay too tho. Someone reached out to me who I thought I wouldn't cross paths with in a healthy way. We are seemingly allys and have good intentions, I hope we like each others personality. I hope I keep working on making new friends. I hope I overcome this saddness I am feeling about everything. The suicidal ideations are creeping back and are weighing heavier than the pros in my life right now. Support and friends would really help in overcoming that.

thursday november 28 2019
1:12p i wish i did not spend so much time anxiously analyzing about what everyone thinks of me. this shit just isn't going to matter to me in 5 years. im not sure if im edging another bpd episode, but deleteing all my social media and starting over is all i can think about. deleteing things never helps, just creates gaps in time that i cant look back on. i haven't had a depression episode in months, is this weird funk from the abortion? is it because its getting colder outside?

starting next week me and my best friend are moving in together with her partner. this is going to be a stable space for me in which i have my own. actual. space. i am very excited but im so used to living downtown that im anxious it will be harder for me to get to work during the winter. im not moving far away from downtown, but im a rat, i need to be down here. i'll have to make genuine efforts to draw in coffee shops and sit at bars for a full shift to make sure i am not isolating myself during this time. i am going to practice my skills to stay in a good head space. being around others brings me so much joy. i cant imagine living in isolation like i always used to. just have to see myself through this funk.

tuesday november 26 2019
10:34p you know, i was thinking about my ex during my last blog entry. ironiclly he was outted for a few bad things he did that im not going to get into. i dont feel a need to vent or say anything on here. i hope the people he hurt dont feel isolated or mocked by him anymore. i hope everyone is okay and everyone recieves the healing theyre looking for. my opinions about it arent important.

i think about how often i want to write actual constructed peices of thought. sometimes i can do well written peices on my finsta, sometimes on my fb, but not often. i think about how good it would be for me to write about rape culture, or call out culture and my thoughts from beginning middle to end. what stops me is not wanting to associate myself with feminist culture where an uninformed thought stays uninformed in the eyes of whoever is responding even if time has passed or education was given ect. like you can say something that has meaningful knowledge but unless you have a flawless reputation and have gained social capital amongst popular groups then it doesn't really matter. good work is easily dismissed if youre unliked. that's what stops me. i don't feel like i have the energy a lot of the times to defend myself against whatever/whoevers projected exclusion i'm nervous about. i'm probably making up what im nervous about but it's the pattern i've always seen amungst anyone who shares thoughts about serious issues. so maybe im not making it up.

on a harsher note, i had an abortion this morning. i cant spell pregnant without abc spell check, so maybe its best i don't have a baby. until this morning i was 10 weeks along. i was complaining about stomach pains for 2 months until i took a pregnency test. i thought i had an ulcer, and was even given ulcer medication and a pregnency test in the er, it was a false negative. i wish they would have caught it earlier. i'm not sure if i feel bad about having an abortion. i'm a selfish person but empathetic to a fault but i process emotions very slowly because i am scared of how painful my thoughts/feelings actually feel. so i don't know if i care. im just glad i will be able to get out of bed and not throw up at work anymore.

friday november 2 2019
1:56a i've been thinking about my ex i moved to this town with. i was so reckless with that boy. i bet he is happy i am not in his life anymore, it is good that we got seperated because i would not have been able to grow into the person i am now. i do wish for amicability, healing with both parties, respect granted on both sides. im not trynna be fake woke but like damn bro my chakras in line! i wAnNa dO sOmE hEaLiNg!

someone came into my restaraunt today and was telling me the story of how he lied to an older man when he was a teenager, he made the older man buy him alcohol and stayed at his house. he lied about his age and was the agressor but things that happened that night carried with him into his adulthood. one night while him and i were hanging out at this coffee shop, the man he lied to was outside on a patio. i can't remember if he was drinking with me but i was drinking vodka out of a plastic bottle, i encouraged him that day to go and confront the situation and talk about it. after chewing it over, he waltzed right over and talked to him and they spent hours talking. i didn't see him the rest of the night, so today he finished the story and explained what else happeend when he left. he explained that it was healing to offer understanding and communication to someone that hurt him, but also he was in the wrong as well. that type of thing is really mature and is what community could thrive on. but what do i know about community? nobody likes me and i don't like them either.

i added a poetry page and posted a bunch of old poetry from my blogspot. im too lazy to look at my notes for poems i've written recently, but maybe i will tonight after this. anyways, i turned my blogspot into a fashion blog at one point. i was so inspired by clothes, i was finally dressing in what i thought was cute and honestly, i peaked.

i wore these stupid shorts every single day. i wear these shorts still almost every single day. so dumb. anywho, im going to take shots of alcohol until i feel tried enough to sleep. im here, queer, and lush not a drunk !

friday october 31 2019
5:35a im working on gifs and drawing again which is super rewarding. but also im revisiting old emotions from bad situations/drama between a group of friends i had over a year and a half ago. wondering how people feel about me now, reanalyzing the drama, the silence i held. i handled everything so badly. blaming bpd on things is ugly and explaining literally that my brain has structural abnormalities isn't ever going to be taken into consideration. and that's okay though. it's frustrating because i want to be understood, but also everyone has learning curves, everyones emotional understandings are different and it doesn't have to reflect mine, and their emotional understandings doesn't always mean a) that their intentions are to be undestanding or compassionate or b) that i was victimless. i made it an effort to not make decisions based on revenge because of how unable i was to stay logicial. i tried really hard. it worked. sometimes, recently, i wanted to act on my anger. i am glad i didn't. my emotions are so fleeting! i can be so toxic! i don't think demonizing myself helps with self growth, so i will practice and try to see at least a little bit of myself that is lovable. i don't know why i am thinking about this situation, i guess i just hope everyone is okay. i think about how jordan is doing sometimes. but at the same time there are so many things unfolding in my life. cutting out someone i've known for 10 years who my best friend begged me not to be around anymore. these weird things he did/said keep repeating in my head. things i did to other people in hopes of his acceptence are repeating in my head. there are so many bad thoughts but i've never had a stronger support system, never been more loved. so while i can blog about these things, they're not the only thing going on, they are easily dealt with. wild. being loved is cool.
friday october 5 2019
12:32a i do not know where to begin. i messed up big time and had something happen to me that i am very ashamed about. too ashamed to write about it in case anyone i know irl is reading this. other than the bad thing happening, my life is full of support and love. i moved into a new apartment with an old friend, which is cool, but also scary because roomates are scary and we are both very very poor. ive been working at my new job for almost 2 months, seems promising. my crushes are also manifesting which is very very cool. i want to write more and talk about things that are happening but i feel so weird and anxious right now for no reason
friday september 6 2019
11:02p i am in love with everyone.
sunday august 18 2019
6:54p i can't get away from morning shifts.
i. am. not. dependable. enough. for. morning. shifts.
i drink! a lot! and i want to social and drink but socializing is hard for me and i cannot do it easily unless alcohol makes me less frigid.
i want to be available after 10p and not worry about showing up to work until the afternoon.
but it's whatever. im just gonna do what i have to do
i have to work really hard to overcome my impulses and not quit this job. i have to stay at this job for at least a year. i have an overwhelming guilt about no calling no showing at my last work place. i let everyone down a lot. i'm not dependable. but i want to be.

its very hard for me to relate to people, even the other girls ive met with bpd can still stay in one place for a long time. i can't even relate to them either. i hate feeling misunderstood.

after i moved and stopped bartending i haven't be able to stay at one place for a long time. it really bothers me. it feels like i've barista'd everywhere but i'm too afraid to actually work at a cool place.

i let my sister in on some of my secrets the other day. i told her about my ex boyfriend, i told her everything he had done. i promised myself i wasn't going to be public about him or hint to anyone about anything he's done. a small goal i have yet to mess up. wild that i am very close to my sister but i am more willing to let complete strangers know about my heartaches than someone i am close with.

i want to try and keep up with blogging. i want to be able to look back.
monday august 12 2019
9:27p something really intrusive happened. lots of intrusive things have been happening.
but its okay because its okay for right now
im angry about how my youtube playlist alwys plays the front bottoms to the point where i hate them
sunday august 11 2019
tuesday june 4 2019
3:44a turned in a bunch of resumes to places id love to work. besides that, i woke up around 12a, feeling intoxicatingly anxious. my meds don't let me get overwhelmed with suicidal thoughts but lately the thoughts have been present
sunday june 2 2019
10:54p god what is wrong with my sleeping pattern. took a nap, im still so tired.
06:07a i feel anxious.