12/8/19 i have another "secret" blog i could be writing on but i don't know if i want to use this one or that one from super priviate things. i just need to unload without having a structured way to describe what i need to vent about.

i got this person that i used to be friends with 86'd from my restaraunt. fuck i dont even talk about it. i think i just want to curl up in a ball and dissasociate. im talkng to jada, its not really helping, not sure if anything could help how i feel.

10/26/2019 i feel weird. somtimes it feels better to have a more private blog, where people from insta cant just look at. i guess that's my fault for having the link up, im also assuming nobody irl follows me on this account and also doesn't use neocities well enough for profile activity. from my experience, it has been very fruitful to talk about things even if i think my thoughts are crazy. the consequence is that i out loud say a fleeting thought/feeling, which then can be used against me, or that i use against myself in some type of destructive manor even if i recongize that i needed to feel it, but don't justify it after recongizing it. there's 3 things stacking in my brain right now. my friend wants to hurt someone that hurt them, her friends are telling her that im "feeding" thoughts into her. this person hurt me too, i understand how they feel. she is going to want to hurt this person reguardless, they will deserve it, but i can't have anything to do with it. it doesn't pay to stand up for yourself sometimes. 2nd thing is that another friend has ghosted me. very, very achey. first response is to ask them if i could change, and that i value them enough to be better, but the point of ghosting is to be quiet and avoid confrontation. i stopped being friends with one of my roomates before my last, she blocked me, actually. i stopped talking to her because she overstepped my boundaries. i was very brash with her, and soft blocked her. i wonder if the friend that ghosted me and my old roomate talked about it? i wonder if it's because i'm now roomates with her boyfriend's ex. those things make sense. she took me the mental hospital last year when i was suicidal, so this is a hard thing to grasp. 3rd thing is i called out one of my closest friends of all time. his current girlfriend followed me on instagram. i want a restraining order, so im waiting for her to message, or him. police reports only do so much. it feels like a lot. but. i know i'm loved and supported, and i can only move on. it's also. worth. living. through.