sunday june 2 2:27a
on friday i went out to get vegan burritos from my favorite food truck with my ex boyfriend. we broke up or whatever last week and i always do this thing when i'm moving on from a painful situation and block that person on all my social media. everyone hates that i do it. i wrote about him in sunday's post. i wish i wasn't such a toxic person, my relationships are always ruined by it. even unromantic ones as well. i had a good time on friday either way. we are sorta beating a dead horse about if we should be together or not and everything comes down to me knowing very well i absolutely shouldn't be in a relationship. i'm nearly a-sexual or uninterested in any sexual interactions. i don't know if it's my anti depressants or the fact that im still depressed but what i know is that sexual fustration can fustrate a relationship, so its not worth being in one. i can validate myself by saying i can't stay in any relationship where someone is inbetween jobs or homeless. he was staying at my house constantly because he was/is going through a divorce and that alone is so suffocating to me and i guilt tripped myself about it because he needed me and i should be there for him so there was no way i could truly allow myself to be honest and clear with him about what i needed when i was back and forth about i should be doing. anyways, i don't know what he wants. i don't know if i am able to ever be in a monogomous relationship again. i hate being touched. the thought of it absolutely disgusts me. i don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting to be touched or having a lack of sexuality so i don't see myself working on it. i just want to be alone. i don't know what this is. he got his own place on monday though. i fell asleep after eating burritos and we had a good day overall. this is the first time i think probably ever he isnt depending on someone else to pay rent if he can't. i hate that about him. but i wish the best in his personal growth. while my personal growth however - deteriates. i turn 25 this month. weird how i'm 24 and still acting like a 21 year old. borderline personality disorder is weird. im always having new experiences in maturity. i guess i fit in with younger kids because i am as small as them, but i wish i was wise like my peers. i wish i did not feel emotions as deeply as i do.
me and andrea are talking again. im very scared about it. i don't want to lose anymore friends. i dont want to make anymore friends. i apologized to her and i am glad i did that and i think her and i will be hanging out later today with my old roomate who moved out in the middle of may. hopefully everything is nourshing and we all have a good time.
my rapist is back to watching my social media, i was informed by ex boyfriend. he's paying attention to who i'm dating and where i'm working again so that's terrifying. i have a slew of finsta accounts or just blank accounts every other week who watch my stories on instagram. i got nervous about my rapist and my ex abuser making fake accounts and blocked them and didn't dig too much into whose account they belonged to. but i got curious yesterday and found that all of the accounts led to a circle of people who made me want to kill myself last summer. one of them has a "goon" who will do whatever they say, it looks like a few of the accounts belonged to their goon. the other accounts ended up being a girl who looks like she is stalked me and a mutual and another girl who has severe mental health problems who i think might be obbsessed with me? and a few of the accounts i didn't know who they were. the person who has a goon is really wild. they do a lot of manipulation and are very charasmatic but they will have their goon say/do evil things so they can say that "they're not doing anything". i really wish none of this was a problem. i'm really not trying to hurt anyone or be around anyone who wants to hurt me, so i do not see why any stalking is involved. i was mostly afraid anyone of these profiles could be my rapist or abuser. i'd rather have these profiles be my rapist than be the circle of kids who supported my suicide last year.
i'm sorry this is a horrible post. i isolate myself a lot, i have burdended people by venting or talking about the things i think about/feel. this blog is rlly to help me be able to release some those feelings.
while i love and appreciate the interaction i get from ppl who follow me, i also hope it doesn't turn people away. i am very sensitive to what people feel about me.
anyways, here are some clikcable photos i took on friday!
thursday may 30 6:19a
this is the face of the most dumbest bich in the world and let me tell you why. i called off my monday night shift like 10 or 11 hours prior because i was beefin with a girl > (but actually i got black out drunk with a girl and did stuff with her and didnt remember it the next day and have felt horrible about the experience since it happened because i don't like girls or sex but she has treated me like trash since i turned her down to further it) and told her to stop treating me bad ect ect> felt dumb about it or whatever and called off, my job and i usually communicate through text: > my boss then told everyone i was a no call no show and that i was fired> even though i had called off for that day> i did not know i was fried for this until 5a when i showed up for work and i was not supposed to be there! i guess that fixes the problem of not wanting to work there anymore but does add a few more problems like: rent, phone bill ect. lets pray my next paycheck covers rent so i'll have at least a month.
anyways im rlly about it because i'm going to take cute pictures of myself in this dress i just got done sewing and then work on my resume and then go walk around and turn it in to other barista jobs. so eat my butt, starbucks!
wednesday may 29 11:20p
i want to quit my job again and just live free like i did last summer. i also want to starve myself and self harm. i have to sleep for tomorrows shift. i feel like might also be fired tomorrow. who knows.
sunday may 26 2019 1:18a
everything feels sorta dumb right now. i feel so nervous and i can't focus or think straight. i feel chaotic. and i'm sad. i don't know why this breakup is actually hurting my feelings. i felt a few times like i wanted it to be over because of how rushed it felt. i also felt it wasnt likely that ready to be in a relationship again. after all i am still not over my ex from years ago. its whatever i guess. i guess i feel alone again because of the breakup. he was my friend before my lover. and my friend who also always was accepting of every abused and trumatized part of me. he knew when i needed to make friends and he knew when he needed to step in when i was being awful. but i don't want to talk to him ever again because of this breakup. i even blocked him from texting me. he now has zero way to contact me. i guess apart of me feelings really used. i've been a place for him to crash for years now. at what point did i expect different? i need to stop trusting him and people in general. our friend asked me to give her his things so she could return it to him. i don't even want to see her because i feel so reclusive right now so i don't know how thats going to happen. i am so angry at him.
to top it off, work sucked! everyone was acted cold and distant from me, and work is usually fun and easy. so i'm going to turn in my transfer papers tomorrow and go into cocktails or bartending. maybe i'll type more out later, but right now i'm irriated and delusional.
monday march 18 2019 2:47a
im too tired to write anything. but i want to journal every single day. every awful awful thought with transparency. i don't want it to be public where theres a link to it, but people who follow me can still look through my updates and activities.
tuesday march 12 2019 10:56p
i posted my diary entry on reddit the same night i made this website. my final entry i posted on here is a tad bit longer but it doesn't matter. i think i was lonley.
on one of the responces someone mentioned an author who writes about shame based thinking. it reminded me that my therapist gave me worksheets on the topic of shame based processing because it is absolutely a toxic mind set that i stew in. they also said something else about the social capital others have on the topic of accountability. i don't want to go into details because its obvious there is a social capital exchange whens someone has to face accountability. i think when there is a public transaction of accountability it can easily be manipulated and molded into something where people who gas light and play friends like chess can reap the real benefits than the victim having true healing. but maybe i'm jealous that other's get to have a group of friends behind them while my rapist isn't apart of a punk community. it all comes down to my need of healing through community but i have no community. i am apart of the exiled.
sunday march 10 2019 4:00a
im crying. i'm creating a concept zine trying to explore my hatred for cancel culture and social capital while also addressing its because i've been abused, but also realized i have been an emotional abuser.
saw a local band's instagram on my reccomended, saw a song i think they wrote about me. something about burning bridges, saying they're afraid of me. i feel so low. nobody still has told me what i've done to be exiled. nobody is still talking to me. i'm afraid to make new friends. i'm afraid of secrets that could be whispered about me. i don't know what to be accountable about sometimes. do people really want other people to be accountable, or do people just want to destroy people they dont like? i kept saying all last summer that if i cause harm it's okay to kill myself. if i kill myself it'll be a self destructive way of accountability. i can no longer hurt anyone. i don't want to live if i cause harm. but god i wish someone would sit me and down and tell me why i am so disliked and whispered about. some things are obvious, but i'm paranoid, i don't know whats real and whats fake. i count on people telling me whats real. but i guess i also get mad when i am invalidated.
does my truama matter if i've caused truama. would i have social capital if my rapist was in the punk scene? can i still seek healing with the community if i'm not one of the good victims
some days, i am so sick of being okay. some days i want revenge against my enemies. it takes so much more strength to endure the pain of being unliked. some days i want to write a hit a peice. some days i want to destroy my enemies, rage violence against them.
am i crying because the popular kids don't like me? am i crying because i am the person i hate? everybody wants to be loved, right? this isn't a stupid feeling, it's normal right?
i still haven't done my taxes. i need to tell my doctor i need anxiety medication, and that i have explosive anger lately.
my roomate and i are talking about moving to a different state in september. i want that for us. she mentioned inviting a couple we both like. i think they will say no because im involved.
i feel a deep pain inside my chest and rest of my body feels empty.
saturday march 9 2019 1:35a
the thing about accountability is that i cant hate myself into a person i love and that everyone accepts. i read that somewhere on a bpd instagram. something about how you cant hate yourself into a good person, maybe? i don't know.
and the thing is: is that i'm jealous that i'm not one of the girls in the community that isn't considered toxic. i'm jealous that i repeated behaviors of my offenders and they didn't. im jealous that i am not one of the "good victims". nobody really knows how to help the girls like me. nobody really wants to get involved. jesus, sometimes i am so out of it and dissasociated that i'm not even connected with my own actions. but i get confused and too wrapped up in if i'm gonna have a pity party or do whatever people like me do. the difference between my truamatizers and the people i've tramuatized is that i care that i hurt people. and i'll carry the burden everyday or whatever and i'll feel the regret i try to forget i feel that i wished my abusers would feel. but i cant hate myself enough for the people i've hurt to start loving me again. i can't hate myself enough for them to forgive me. i can't hate myself enough to aide their healing. i am so burnt out. i'm so scared to create meaningful work, meaningful music, meaningful poetry, writings and art. i look at girls like toopoor and think about how shes able to still keep going even after deep pain and public pain and evilness she's done. how does she not close herself off? she still creates and does things. while im so scared to have meaningful work be shunned because i'm one of the "toxic" girls, or i'm a "bad person".