grossgirl94

🎧 newest h3 podcast
🌘 moon phase is 25.3% waning crescent

I bought Stresscase's Cut Me Off released in 2011 and boy does this vinyl bring back some memories! I looked for this release on Spotify and it wasn't there which is probably I haven't listened to it in so long. Only their split with Cerce comes up, which I haven't listened to, and only one of their lyrics from that release is posted, which sometimes makes me not listen to new music because I almost always want to read along with the music. But anyways, I used to be friends with this vocalist on Tumblr, but I was 16/17 and I never got to see their band live. I remember when I had "ran away" to Los Angeles with a boyfriend at 17 (that I also met on Tumblr) and we were trying to get to one of their shows but his car overheated so we never made it out. I don't even think I had a smart phone at that time, I even specifically remember only being able to communicate through social media on my laptop. When I played the vinyl I remembered every word so perfectly and was able to recall memories long forgotten. They gave special thanks to La Bella on this record, a band I also forgot existed. A vague memory I have with them is when I moved to PDX at 19 with my best friend at the time and her boyfriend at the time. We went to a party at a house with one of the members. I immediately went to their facebook to see if I could recongize who it was and I found him! He was sweet and he broke a window by accident in a small upstairs bedroom that was painted black. These type of experiences were very new to me and I remember feeling very anxious but I guess now I can look back at them fondly. Anyways I'm super glad I bought this vinyl! I've lost contact with Sararae but I hope she's doing okay. There's a lot of Tumblr friends I wish I still had contact with. 10 years gone by too fast.

Last week I mentioned that a couple zines I was reading.

I bought all of these from Hoax on Etsy if you want to check them out. Thou Shalt Not Talk about the White Boys' Club is a re-purchase. I originally had the PDF and I would just download it to whatever devices I was using at the time, but because I can't have my phone out at work and because I just want physical copies of things I like I rebought it! I don't think I've read it all the way through, but there is a part about throwing piss in a girls car and girl hate that has stuck with me over the many many years since I've read it. Current or Future Criminals I accidentally brought home which is why its covered in material from work. I bought another copy to keep at home or bring on the go when I need to read something. I'm almost done with this zine but it resonates with me so much. Coming from a family that was in and out of the prison system, having the cops constantly at my house as a child and being on juvenile probation from 13-16 this is definitly something I knew I wanted to read. My shift lead at work asked me while I was reading this one if I was reading more "communist propaganda" which is funny because sometimes I am, and I told him about prison abolition and what zines are and what they mean to me. I don't talk too much about my personal beliefs at work but sometimes I share with him because he is super informed about whats going on with the election and is anti-Trump. But pretty much anyone I talk to at work knows that I identify with communism, but I don't think any of them know what that means and only relate it to Russia. Burned Out, I havent began reading yet but I am excited to start and Grounding Wire I am almost close and I plan on talking about a little more down the line.

I'm really glad I've dedicated more time to read at work. My job has cracked down on cell phone use so I've just kept my phone away unless I'm on break. Reading Sari's zines (Hoax Zines) has been really comforting and gets me out taking work problems too seriously which has been an issue with me lately. It's also been inspiring me to WRITE ANOTHER ZINE! More about that later, I promise!

🎧 nothing

🌖 moon phase is 76.7% waning gibbous 
 
Been playing Stardew Valley pretty much non-stop since the update. I've clocked 261 hours before the update but I only have half the achievements and the reason for that is because I keep changing/organizing my farm! Wish there was a creation mode! Maybe there might be, I'm too lazy to look it up.
 
I had pre-ordered a cook book from one of my old jobs Nom Eats, a vegan spot in Reno that shut it's doors. It was a food truck and then a sit down restaurant. Their food truck was the first vegan food truck in Reno. I miss Nom Eats, it was 100% vegan with 100% vegan owners but I'm glad they have moved onto different chapters of their life. Even though I am not in Reno anymore I'm sure Food Truck Friday isn't half as good without them. But at least I'll be able to make their recipes at home now.
 
It feels like I lived a different life back when I was in Reno. I honestly look back and wince at my 20's. If I could go back I'd do it differently but I'll be 30 this year, and I'll be glad to shed my skin with all of my horrible and embarrassing lived experiences. 

At work I have been reading Current or Future Criminals: How Survivorship, Activism, and a Rural Upbringing Led Me to Believing in Prison Abolition. I've had this zine in my tool bag at work for well over a year without finishing it. I have to be tending to machines so I don't get to read it very often unless on breaks. Last week I dedicated more time to reading it and I'll probably finish it by next week. It's covered in work material though, I wouldn't touch it with bare hands, so I bought a new copy. I also bought a new copy of Thou Shalt Not Talk about the White Boys' Club: Challenging the Unwritten Rules of Punk which I never owned a physcial copy of, but a PDF I bought many many many years ago (probably close to 10 years ago). I've been interested in reading these again because of how lost in my identity I feel. I don't think these will save me but maybe remind me of things I care about. 

🎧 nothing

🌙 moon phase is 28.1% waxing crescent 
 
I bought the s/t Dystopia 12" a while ago but I haven't blogged it yet. It came with another lyric booklet that is just as absolutely fucking amazing as the other one. My favorite songs from this album are "Leaning With The Intent To Fall" and "My Meds Aren't Working". 

and I also bought Deathrat's s/t and you guys... I am so happy I have this. Dystopia is sick but non dudes singing is my bread and butter. I miss this type of punk. I miss the feeling I had when I found new bands with singers like this, with lyrics that would resonate with me so much. There's a ton of bands out there like this, I know, but its special because of how young and angry I was at the time. There are two songs on here that I adore the most: "Girl Style" and "Fuck It". Girl Style because... duh. and Fuck It because THIS IS STILL HOW I FEEL!

I wake up each day full of dread, I’m terrified and bored with the day ahead

Hour after hour confined by institutions, categorizing problems and solutions

I don’t want to go to work today, I’d rather have a life

I don’t want to go to school today, I’ve been up all fucking night

I’ve wasted enough time learning your lessons, when do I learn for myself?

I’ve sat inside too long today, I’m feeling so unhealthy

I’m told I’m learning efficiency, placing value in production

Its really just obedience, I listen up, I sit down

This drains all of my energy, another day without meaning

Hours of my time that amount to nothing

If education is liberation then why does this feel like a trap

I’m wrong and you’re right, this equation doesn’t make any sense

Why do I believe there is value in these books that don’t mean shit to me

We seek authority in others, to keep denying that we have any

I’d rather get a real night’s sleep, I’d rather see my friends, I’d rather live for myself

I think I’ll just stay home

Besides vinyl updates, its really hard to share my life on the internet these days. It's probably stemming from how much I work and how I try not to (and fail) share my interests with my co-workers. I say fail because it's hard for me to be an unauthentic version of myself. I don't buy into the work hustle, I don't buy into that my company is trying to be sustainable, I'm not a pick me for my leadership and I'm not a fucking boot licker. But I do know better, I do know that it's probably better to not talk about the video I just watched about plutocracy, or about the up coming election, or Palestine, or trans issues, or women's rights ect. So what I usually am able to talk about without lessening myself is probably... work drama. But the cycle always repeats itself and it gets old and it's never stimulating unless it's about me and when it's about me I go back to remembering how this is my work place and I don't need to be involved. So I go to work and come home and go to work and come home and go to work and come home and go to work and come home then the weekend starts. So I stay at home and clean up, and do my makeup and make dinner and listen to podcasts and entertainment and watch movies but I'm barely talking to anyone and I do the same thing every single day. I'm barely sharing anything, I'm barely even acknowledging my own emotions, sometimes barely even thinking about anything. Some of the personal things I've written in my last blogs I just would remove because I just dont want to share anything. I don't know how to be authentic or even how to dress myself anymore. 

Speaking of dressing myself, I sewed a patch on a lil t shirt last night. I probably will never wear it but I miss dressing "punk". Everyday I wear a lil black shirt and sweater and black or blue jeans. My friend we'll call Daiya went through a middle aged punk crisis probably 7 years ago. I remember he would only wear flannels and jeans and it was like he lost his identity. We always tried to wear our gear when we would leave the house in case we ran into other "punks". So corny now that I can look back in hindsight but now it's happening to me. Who am I anymore? What do I enjoy? He got over it, he's popular in the punk scene and admired by baby punks all over but just before he started to gain popularity he went through this phase and I was still in my early 20's. Is this what happens when you grow up? I don't want any men to answer that for me.

So, I'm a little lost right now in my identity and I don't know how to fix that. Maybe with time it'll change but right now it feels strange being me.

🎧 Hands That Mold by Dystopia

🌕 moon phase is 96.4% waxing gibbous 
 
To start, I purchased the Human = Garbage vinyl from Dystopia. It came with a lyric booklet that I haven't completely gone through yet but I'm really enjoying the artwork from what I've looked at and its super inspiring. Dystopia is one of those bands that had a lasting impact on me as a teenager and resonates with me now more than ever that I'm an exhausted anti-work but always working sometimes suicidal adult. I can still listen to "Stress Builds Character" and every bass line and every lyric still feels like its the first time I've listened to it. And "Sanctity" still absolutely rocks me. This is single handedly one of my most favorite albums of my lifetime and I'm so glad I own it. 

It feels so nice to collect vinyls from some of my favorite bands in the world. It makes me think about how much I need to buy The Used s/t and how ready I am to drop BANDS if I Hate Sex re-prints 'Circle Thinking'. I also really really want to own Megan The Stallion and Doja Cat vinyls. 

I also got La Dispute's 'Somewhere At The Bottom Of The River Between Vega And Altair' double vinyl which is so far the most expensive one I've bought so far. I immediately texted my childhood best friend when it came in the mail and told her about it and we talked about when we saw La Dispute, Touche Amore, Loma Preita and other bands in 2010. I told her one day we have to go see them again together. It truly is a sweet memory for me. Then of course I purchased Man Is The Bastards most recent release 'Live at St Vitus Bar in Brooklyn NY' and that one also came with a booklet which is SO cool and I can't wait to update my vinyl's page with the scans.

🎧 Sexist Appeal by Aus Rotten

🌖 moon phase is 64.8% waning gibbous 
 
I havent updated much because when I am not working I have been  mostly playing Hogwarts again. For my 2024 goals of expanding my record/cassette collection I have been purchasing new vinyls bi-weekly (every paycheck). Most records are pretty cheap and I haven't purchased any new cassettes but here is one of the recent vinyls:

Aus Rotten - Fuck Nazi Sympathy 7"

Aus Rotten is one the older bands that got me into punk as a young teenager. I remember making Aus Rotten stencil patches when first discovering how to DIY. I still have an Aus Rotten patch even from all those years ago on one of my very first vests I ever made on a blue flannel. The Adicts, The Virus, the Tank Girl, and The Profits patches are all hand painted it looks like. I couldn't tell you where that Cheap Sex patch is from but I can tell you that I havent listened to any of those bands besides The Adicts in many many years. Can't name a song or what kind of punk they are. 🤷‍♀️

Another small memory I have related to Aus Rotten is a boy I breifly dated in Jr. High who's name is Austin. He had his name as Aus Rotten on Myspace, and I honestly don't think I knew it was a band at the time, it might even be how I discovered them. I remember his bedroom had a huge Adicts flag in it, a band I did know at the time. Oh to be 15 again.
 
The vinyl also came with a small poster. Everybody knows this face. But he went to UNR, so everyone locally knows him too. I don't think I'll be hanging this one up, but its kind of funny. 

🌑 moon phase is 0.1% new moon 
 
Currently there is a snowstorm that will inevitably knock out the power for a couple hours to an entire day. I'm charging my ipad and my phone and have my candles and a lighter in reaching distance. Luckily I use gas at my house so I won't have to worry about heating and cooking food so for now I am enjoying the view of the window from my computer where I can see probably 6 inches or more of snow outside. It's comfortable here and when the power goes out I will sketch on my ipad from my bedroom. Maybe I should download some shows from Netflix now 😬. I took Kinny outside to enjoy the snow with me, I wanted to take photos but the snow is so deep I was afraid he would run away and be stuck out there, so I kept him bundled in my arms until he shivered so I brought him back inside where he lays on the windowsill watching the snow fall. 

The beginning of the year is going well. I feel graciously thankful for all that I have even with the ups and downs life has for me. I got arrested on Monday. Which might make you think would throw a wrench in my gratitude but it doesn't. I was out within 2 hours and headed to work 30 minutes after my release. Though it was my first time being arrested in my adult life, it really was just a drop in the bucket for my week. It was a good week overall. 

The things I really care about are the new records and merch I recived this week!

For one of my 2024 resolutions, I want to make an effort to collect more music memorabilia. I thought about how much I wished I still had the free Loma Prieta cd I recieved from them at the La Dispute/Touche Amore/Loma Prieta show in 2010 because of how meaningful that show was for me. La Dispute and Touche Amore played their split together which is hands down one of my favorite splits of all time. I don't know where that cd went, but thats the case for a lot of my memories because of how unstable my life has been up until the last 3 and a half years. So why not build?

I recived a Plutocracy 12" from Alimentary Music that came with 2 inserts, one with art and lyrics and the other a band photo. Plutocracy is going to be one of the bands I will be heavy hunting records over. The second one I recieved this week is from Ebay. I don't know too much about ordering from ebay or too much about owning vinyls so I don't know about authenticity but that I really don't mind bootleg stuff as long as the band isn't active or the band doesn't mind, I really just wanna own the music I like so with that being said I don't know how auethentic things can be from ebay, it's just something I'll have to learn from time, but I bought Man Is The Bastard "Thoughtless..." (1995) that was obtained from an estate sale sorta cheap and in less than good condition. The inserts are fucking great so... worth it imo. I also recieved a few shirts from an artist online I really enjoy that I will be cropping, a new romper, new cotton overalls, and a Haggus shirt but I'm too lazy and cozy to take photos of those right now. 

I think I will spend the rest of the night playing games until I lose power or get too sleepy, so that's all for tonight!

🎧 Dysphoria by GROKE

🌖 moon phase is 92.1% waning gibbous 
 
I woke up feeling great today. Last night I woke up around 12 am and stayed up until 9pm deep cleaning my house with my browser open taking breaks to work on the website aesthetic and taking other breaks to draw on my new ipad. 
 I'll be working on new art to publish all this week and next week. Speaking of- I got an ipad for Christmas! My boyfriend went out of his way to buy us both brand new ipads and we have both been spending our time creating and figuring out how to use the software. I feel like a creative outlet for me has been filled. I havent drawn or finished this much art since I've been at my job in the past 2 years. He also 3D printed these hanger type things to display my comics, zines, and records and stuffed a bunch of them in my stocking with a new package of nails to hang them with. The amount of thoughtfulness this man has shown me is really meaningful. We also told each other we loved each other which is very special.

And when I peaked out my door today I noticed my most recent purchase of Bastard Noise came in today.

If you didn't know: my little skull on the left and right of my logo is from Man Is The Bastard (I'll use Bastard Noise/Man Is The Bastard interchangeably if I talk about them). I elongated the skull because I love The Coneheads. 

ah ah ah ah ah
 
I want to spend more time in 2024 collecting vinyls, tapes, comics, and zines along with creating zines and patches and stickers too. My boyfriend also wants to learn how to make stickers and has worked for a diy screen prining company in the past while he was in college so I know it'll be easier for me to start something up because I'll have support.

Overall 2023 has been a good year. There has been ups and downs but in hindsight, I'm ending this year full of gratitude.

I won't be finishing the December 2023 prompt, and I got rid of my previous entries again :) See ya next year!