grossgirl94

🎧 listening to Rebel Girl audiobook by Kathlene Hanna
🌑 new moon

Took me hours to write this entry because this dude wouldn't stop sitting on my keyboard

I've been listening to Kathleen Hanna's audio book Rebel Girl, my controversial fave. I particularly love the relationship with her husband Adam Horovitz. I liked that she didn't end up marrying someone in the feminist community. In The Punk Singer when she talks about him and how feminists in her community could feel dating him because of the song 'Girls' and she says "you can't help who you fall in love with". I love that, and I relate to it a lot. With that being said, I broke up with my boyfriend last night. We were planning to move in together in July when Saturday evening while I was a work a mutual messaged me and told me that she had just seen my boyfriend on Tinder. She told me she didn't screen shot but she looked up how Tinder works and that hes definitely active. I responded pretty emotionally and messaged him, I was at work at this time. He responded a bunch saying he's really high right now and swearing he has not been on Tinder. He tried calling and facetiming but I couldn't have answered. I didn't respond to him all night until he messaged me around 2am when I was on break. We went went back and forth just me asking accusatory questions and analyzing how quick his responses were. Eventually he responds with that he thinks he was hacked with an AI overview from google about hacking. Of course he wasn't hacked and that was an insult to my intelligence. I told him no he wasn't and that when I got off of work in the morning that I would be on my way to his house. I finally get home around 9am and I am exhausted so I just fall asleep and wake up around 6pm when it is still bright outside, I fix up my makeup a little bit and tell him to meet up with me. We meet up in a parking lot and he gets into my car and I ask to see his phone. I hadn't planned on looking through his texts or social media, I know its shitty and invasive and honestly I'm not a holier than thou ~perfect~ aNaRcHo FeMiNiSt PuNk gRRL (I'm not an anarchist and I don't think I'd call myself a feminist now adays anyways), I might do that in the future if I need to know something. But maybe I wouldn't, because I didn't do it. Part of me didn't want to believe the girl who messaged me and I gave him plenty of time to delete any evidence anyways. I ask him to open his app downloads, he opens up the page where it shows all the apps he currently has on his phone, I go back and go to his recent purchases, he types in his password. I see 2 purchases nearing $20 for Tinder and that he had downloaded Bumble the day before. He fumbles, continues lying, I'm not saying anything. He says "I don't even have $20 to spend on Tinder", I say "well you spent $20 to end this relationship". He's not a good place in his life right now, in a lot of ways I am a saving grace to him and am definitely believed to be a saving grace to him according to his entire support system. He's not healthy, he's been given pretty much a death sentence by doctors and he struggles keeping a job or making enough money to afford living alone. But this is the one thing I told him not to do. Don't lie and don't cheat on me. I don't know if he cheated on me, but it wouldn't be him to tell me if he did so I'm moving on as if he did.

I like Kathelene and Adam's relationship because I come from that culture of calling people out and demonization of another via social media posts and public humilation and excommunication and I've done it- I've been apart of it- and some of its valid don't get me wrong, but I really felt like anybody, I mean anybody, could've come up to him and said something horrible about me to him to try to hurt me and he would've definitely told them to fuck right off. I like that. I like that if my abusive ex tried to threaten my reputation by speaking about me to my circle he'd threaten to fight him instead. He also doesn't have a reputation of being shitty to women, like at all. He might have a reputation of being a coke head and a drunk but at least its not that he's a gaslighter or a manipualtive person to date. Maybe if he was gaslighting and manipulating me I'm probably right where I wanna be though. He's also so politically aligned with me. Truly isolating it can be to live in a small conservative town in this administration and find someone I'm aligned with. And I liked that I met him through getting tattoos at the shop he worked at and I loved that we are both from the same town, we both moved away to same town, and then ended back up here again, in our home-town.

But I don't think I want to get back together with him. I don't feel like its over for some reason, but I feel like I already know what I want out of a relationship and I don't want to be lied to or have my intelligence insulted. Maybe because I don't feel so emotionally about the break up or that I don't feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest maybe it means there can be a friendship out of this? Maybe. I don't know. Not proof reading this rn so whatever spelling errors are there oh well!

🎧 listening to nuthin 

🌘 moon phase is 29.2% waning crescent
 
Yesterday my boyfriend took me far out of town to a teeny tiny restaurant in the middle of nowhere.  When I looked up the population on google it said 17 residents and that it was still considered to be apart of the county we live in. To my surprise they had a tofu based "chicken" burger and I was super surprised to find something vegan in a place like that. My go-to is always fries when we go out to eat because a lot of places dont have vegan options, so I was stoked about that. It was also the warmest day we've had of the year so far and it felt so good to go out and do something with him. They had an older gentleman playing old western music which my boyfriend absolutely loves so we sang along and I drank probably the best bloody marys I've had in my life. This place reminded me of a western speak easy and they had dollar bills stappled to the ceiling. We put up a dollar with 1312 on it and my boyfriend hung it up for us. It was such a great day. We've been dating for a couple of months but have been seeing each other since before November. He was going through so much at the beginning of when we started to get to know each other and now he seems like hes in a much better place. His birthday is this Wednesday and I got him a cake with an edible image of his face on it. His mom and I are planning throw me a surprise party tomorrow. We'll see how it goes!

Other than that, I've been really struggling with my new position at work. I struggle with power dynamics and wanting to be left alone. I find it weird when people I over see feel like they need permission to take the initiative and just keep the day running smooth. I walk in like a zombie to work now. I wish I could quit.

But on the brighter side, I got some new media! I purchased all 6 issues of The Last Gang In Town because I've been wanting to read them for so long but never did. Rufus Dayglo truly is my favorite artist of all time. I'm always going to love seeing punk girls in my comics.

I'm glad I've been updating parts of my website lately, been trying to get back into it. I love cataloging my collections. I'm also thinking about starting a Bratz doll collection. I've known mulitple men that collection action figures and had them in glass casses, how sick would it be if I did that too but with just Bratz dolls? It's right up my sleeve honestly. I've also been inspired by other people's websites and I'm glad to see other people on here with similar music taste as me. I'm going to catagorize new pages into diy and band merch like I saw another person do. I got a lot of band merch and a lot of diy stuff.

Thats all I have for now. ttyl

🎧 listening to nuthin 

🌒 moon phase is 22.5% waxing crescent
 
One of my goals for 2025 was to make shift lead at my job and I did it. It's only January and I did it! I feel really proud of myself but I'm not obsessed with my new position requirements. I signed up for them, advocated for myself, and I'm afraid to fail. There were parts of my job where I felt like I could do better than my bosses and other times where I don't think I could've had better circumstances than them. I'm nervous taking on the responsibilities despite continuously seeking them, I'm afraid to fail. Other times when I've been promoted at this job I became very submerged in work, thinking about it on my days off, only interacting with coworkers, but this time not even close. I've been focusing on what I call "bringing my work self to work" and when I'm home its my "home self". It works less than half the time but it's practice. 

With that being said, I got a lil boyfriend. I look forward to him. He's similar to me, same beliefs. No cop conversations between us, and we are usually on the same page. He was an apprentice at a shop I would get tattooed at in my town, I never even thought he would like me. But we are together now, hell yeah. 

My best friend, her bf, my bf, and me are planning to see Febuary this month. It'll be the first time I've been to Vegas and its great way to celebrate being promoted to shift lead. Everything is... good!

🎧  listening to Febuary

🌓 moon phase is 48.1% first quarter 
 
On the most recent episode of Emergency Intercom either Enya or Drew said something about yin and yang which sums up how I feel/felt about 2024. I had some really dark times, like I mentioned in my super brief last post, my grandpa died, my cat got sick, I went through a break up. But through all of the rough times none of it felt as bad as it felt when I went through conflict as a younger person. There are waaaaaay more darker times ahead but at least I'll have better discernment and regard for my well being and the well being of others. I love my loved ones so much.

Starting the year and ending the year survey:

name: Victoria
age: 30
current favorite color: pink
current podcasts/youtubers/twitch: Emergency Intercom, anything with Hasan Piker, Majority Report, Tea Time with Gabby Lamb and Harper-Rose Drummond
current hobbies: stardew valley, making patches, drawing, drinking alcohol, organizing
most listened to song this year according to last.fm: Chappell Roan - My Kink Is Karma
most listened to artist this year according to last.fm: Charlix xcx

2025 goals (so far):

1. make cyanotype fabric printing
 - zines
 - art
 - stuff w racheo
2. make a new zine FINALLY
3. learn how to sew with a sewing machine
4. design original patches
5. make more patches!
5. save 5k
6. become shift lead at work
7. red, orange, and pink upgrade for entire house
8. no more alcohol!!!

🎧 listening to Febuary

🌕 moon phase is FULL MOON IN CANCER BABY
 
a lot of things happened this year. i fell in love for probably the first time in life, went through a break up with them. my cat got sick, my grandpa died. so many bad things happened and i am the happiest ive ever been. maybe the bad does have to exist for me to see the contrast. 

🎧 listening to Your Deep Rest by The Hotelier 

🌔 moon phase is 87% waxing gibbous 
 
My Grandpa died September 27th. I was getting off my shuttle for work and usually I sleep on the shuttle because the ride is so long, so I went to my car and sifted through messages I missed. I had several missed phone calls and a voice mail from my Grandpa's phone. My Grandpa always leaves a voice mail when I don't answer but this time it was my Mom. She was frantically telling me to get to her house because Grandpa had died. My Mom lives with my Grandpa. I quickly drove over to their house to find my cousin, who also lives with my Grandpa on the ground sobbing with his girlfriend, my Grandpa was already taken away DOA and my Mom was in shock. He died of a heart attack. I quickly asked my mom where my sister and where my aunt was. My aunt is close with my Grandpa and I needed my sister to be there to support my Mom. I left and immediately went to my aunt's house. I walked in without knocking, she was laying on the couch with her daughter and I told her what happened. Hindsight this isn't how she should've found out but her being the last to know wasn't fair. She immediately started crying, she has 7 kids, her older daughters start crying with their Mom. This is their grandpa too, but this is my aunt's father. At that point everyone around me was crying and I didn't know what to do. I am not the person to lean on when dealing with family trauma, I'm very emotionally distant with all of them besides my brother and sister. I told them I had to leave and get to my sisters house, my sister and I haven't talked in 2 years, I went through an entire serious relationship and she had never even met him. I went to her house and immediately gave her a hug and our fight was over as if it never happened. Finally I could cry. We sat together talking for real how we felt about our Grandpa's death and what is going to happen next. I have such a complicated relationship with my Grandpa, I didn't talk to him for 10 years despite him raising me. I don't know if I've ever written about it on here, I have past entries that were deleted I can't remember. But my mom is an addict and I didn't meet my dad until I was 14. My mom, my aunt, my uncle, my brother, my sister and me all lived in the same house with my Grandma and Grandpa. My mom and uncle were both in and out of the house struggling with addiction. My aunt and my uncle were both adopted as babies and were very much like my older brother and sister growing up. I don't know anyone who is normal after being raised by their grandparents but my household was abnormal. I won't go into detail but there were things that happened by my Grandpa to one of my family members that made me go cold towards him, other family members went cold towards me in support of him. Including my brother who had never met his Dad, so my Grandpa was his father figure and even called him Dad. 

A year and half ago maybe two years ago I decided to forgive my Grandpa, the person he had harmed had never stopped talking to him despite a long court case where they (the victim) dropped the charges because of how much they were groomed. While the court case was occurring I was in elementary school. I refused to talk to them out of support for my Grandpa despite actually hearing my Grandpa admit to the allegations more than once. I remember my Grandma slept on the couch until she passed away from cancer, I heard him admit to her. The person it happened to drove me to my Mom's prison for visitation once, I was a teenager I might've been 16 I can't remember. I told them some things I remembered, the proof that I had that I know it happened, and an apology for not supporting them when I was younger. It made them cry and even though we stopped being close growing up they know that I knew what happened and that I understand. I mention this after mentioning that I forgave my Grandpa because it was really hard for me and that I did it half hearted. What happened was that he was reaching out to me. I'd see him once and while at a store since I had moved back to my home town, he was so skinny and so old. I could never explain why I felt so bad for not talking to him. Having sympathy for someone I saw as a villain be vulnerable, I can't explain it. Anyways, I didn't drive. I never had my license at this time. I was walking to get my nails done, it was just down the street from me. I was walking and my Grandpa whom I hadn't talked to until this moment yelled at me from the driver side if I wanted a ride. I felt embarrassed, I declined, I always decline rides anyways because I enjoy zoning out and listening to music, he was persistent and I felt ashamed. I said okay, being less than a block away from the salon and he dropped me off and told me if I ever needed a ride I could ask him.

I talked to my sister about it and she was in support of me talking to him again. And that's when I started talking to him again. We never mentioned the past, we just moved forward. Eventually I started asking for rides to the shuttle for work and he drove me everyday since then, that's when I started working on my license, I wanted to get my license before I turned 30 and thanks to him I did. I bought my car from him, I took my drivers test in that car and when I passed he let me drive it despite not having it fully paid off. Since then he was in my life. Helping me with understanding the car, I'd come over to his house and see my Mom. He'd vent to me about my Mom's problems, his problems with my cousin living at his house. 

So when I heard that voice mail I was in shock. I didn't cry. I had wished death upon him when I was younger, saying the world would be a better place without him. I never thought he would die. And now he's dead, and I don't understand why I feel so sad. Everyday since I've been back at work I'd be approaching town after my shift and remember his car in the parking lot ready to pick me up and I can't help to cry. He was my caretaker, he had full custody of me and neglected the needs of all his children and grandchildren, even harmed one of us so significantly and yet I miss him. It's as if I had forgave in time for him to forgive himself. I remember him saying things like that he's my Grandpa and that he'd always be there for me. 

Life is so complicated constantly. The family member he had harmed, I know its as if a burden was lifted. That specific family member completely planned out the funeral and memorial. My mom had zero resources to do that, she is incapable of any responsibilities at all. But for some reason someone he had harmed so much was able to do it. I can't imagine being close to someone who had done the things he did to them. I can't say if its a type of stockholm syndrome but thats probably exactly what it is. 

My responsibility was to bring my brother down to our hometown, he lives in the west coast now. I used my savings to bring him and his wife here and it was actually a very healing experience. He called Grandpa his dad at the funeral, everyone sobbed. He told me he believes my Grandpa actually did those things to our family member. Maybe it's because he's older now. Nobody called my Grandpa a good man at his funeral, it seems that my experience with him was shared. I guess it makes me feel less alienated. His death brought me peace and deep deep confusing sadness. 

My mom's gonna be homeless though, I guess she has a quarter of a million dollars waiting for her but she doesn't have a birth certificate or ID so she can't access it. I want to disappear because I'm being asked to help her. I don't have very much emotional bandwidth to do deal with the roller coaster of my Mom. 

Also, weeks before my Grandpa's death I started seeing a therapist and got back on my anti depressants and am now on mood stabilizers. Divine timing to sort through these feelings and emotional and physical labor I'm doing for my Mom. 

I don't know how much of this makes sense, maybe I'll go back later to reread and reword but for now I'll just leave it as is. 

So while you're fixing up your bed

So while you’re organizing drawers

Could you just listen to the problems had

With problems of yours?

And what’s that note you’re writing there?

Why are you giving me this back?

This was a gift from when we met

Back when you weren’t so upset

I called in sick from your funeral

The sight of your body made me feel uncomfortable

I couldn’t recognize your shell

Your branching off had met an end

From all the weight that made you bend

And when you tried to shed your leaves

You pined for warmth as they said

“Your lack of love for your dear self

Is sapping all of us here out!

Trace your roots back to the ground

Work out the knotholes for yourself”

I called in sick from your funeral

The sight of your family made me feel responsible

And I found the notes you left behind

Little hints and helpless cries

Desperate wishing to be over

You said you’re trapped in your body

And getting deeper every day

They diagnosed you born that way

They say it runs in your family

A conscious erasure of class background

Where despair trickles down

Imbalanced chemical crutch

Open up, swallow down

You said “Remember me for me

I need to set my spirit free”

I called in sick from your funeral

I called in sick, I called in sick

Tradition of closure nearly felt impossible

I called in sick, I called in sick

I should have never gave my word to you

Not a cry, not a sound

Might have learned how to swim

Never taught how to drown

You said “Remember me for me"

I watched you set your spirit free

listening to Just Trish Podcast

🌔 moon phase is 95.2% waxing gibbous 
 
I've been trying to find the right ways to express how I feel but nothing has been successful. I hold all my feelings in and then can't identify them later, making me feel absolutely stunted emotionally and unable to process how I feel. I wanted to break up but yet I still feel so lost and sad that I can't text him or call him to tell him about my day. This has triggered so much jealously in me and since him and I work together I feel a fire in my chest when I see him. I'm even at a point where I want to request a shift change to get away from him. I miss him so much and I am so angry with him, its so confusing, it's so painful. I put all of our pictures, letters, little trinkets, and cards he's gotten for me into a cigarette box and I plan to burn it when I go camping next. Even though I've been in other relationships in the past this one feels different and more real which is why it feels so painful even though I know this is what I wanted. After the breakup my confidence felt elevated and I was so relieved to not have someone make me feel so unloved. I guess I know he loved me, but other times I felt like if I didn't put any effort in there wouldn't be any connection he could respond to. There was a point where I felt so tired of texting first or being the one to check in with him or keep an interesting topic that I just sorta stopped. One week we didn't see each other and he asked me "do you feel like we are drifting apart?". I remember being annoyed and not wanting to talk about it because yes, we were drifting apart, because his effort directly leaned on how much effort I was putting in. Its like I was the key component in the relationship. I think thats when my feelings for him started to dissipate. Despite him trying to do nice things for me, buying me things I couldn't afford, I need that connection to want to stay in the relationship. But I made mistakes too, I feel enormous guilt about bickering with him and building so much resentment towards him that we were fighting all the time. There was this sweet misunderstood person inside of him that I feel like I wanted to love and take care of for the rest of my life but now it's over. It's over and Im glad and in so so much pain.

🎧 listening to nothing

Today was the first good day I've had at work in probably a month and a lot has happened. I've been floating by not really addressing my feelings, not wanting to blog, this happens often but worse this time. My last record purchase was in April and I havent even shared them yet, I got Des Ark - Dont Rock The Boat, Sink The Fucker, then Rape Revenge - Paper Cage (7"), then Violent Restitution s/t. I'll share the inserts eventually. I couldn't purchase any new albums in May because I bought a car from a family member, and after that my cat had an emergency and both have been huge financial baggage. I took my cat into the vet for vomitting and not drinking water, his previous appointments were because he had elevated liver enzymes, so they could tell from his bloodwork that something was going on with his liver. For those initial visits, I hate this but I feel like this happens a lot to me, that I have to sell my "worry" or sell "concern", I feel like the vet brushed us off, brushed me off as an overly concerned cat mom paying a lot per visit. But when I took him to his emergancy visit the new vet gave him a scan and saw that he had a larger issue related to his liver. He has a hernia that his liver is trying to pass through. His liver is trying to pass into his chest basically and it will kill him if he doesn't recieve surgery. Of course he had elevated liver enzymes. The doctor informed me that this is an expensive surgery and that its likely he might not make it but his symptoms can wavier and get better or worsen. Currently he is doing great. No vomit, eating and drinking fine. If he was never vomitting in that way, I seriously would not have known, he is so playful, he stands on his hind legs to receive head pats, he didn't have symptoms. I decided to call other vets around to find a doctor who could reliably save my cats life, I am willing to pay the cost, and I have pet insurnace too. It turns out that not everyone can actually perform that surgery but after a ton of phone calls, I did find a vet who would. The estimate of cost was actually very suprising to me, on the lower side it would be $8k, and on the higher side it would be $10k and there is still the risk of him not surviving. I couldn't afford this surgery even if it was $2k honestly, not with my now new bills of owning a car and even before, but I was going to try! With this estimate of $8-$10k, theres just no way I could have that money up front. My pet insurance is from my work and is great insurance, but only reimburses you after full amount has been paid. Theres not usually payment plans either, and all the credit cards I applied to denied me (I did myself dirty in my early 20's). So I'm at a stand still... how long until he has to be put down? This is hard to think about, I've never delt with a decision like this before and I don't know what the best choice is. I'm going to call my local vet again tomorrow and ask for advice from those vets and then base my decision then. 

🎧 listening to Just Trish Podcast

🌘 moon phase is 27.6% waning crecent 
 
I've had such a great week and half. I drove home from my boyfriends house yesterday which is in the town over and it was my first time driving legally from such a far distance! I'm 29, I've owned a vehicle before, both legally registered and insured in my name but I was never legal to drive it. I sold my car and only drove to work occasionally in friend's/family's cars in 2020 but I haven't drove hardly at all since then. I've always had driving anxiety and it's gotten worse as I got older. Its interesting how easier it was to take risks when I was younger, now I am a more fearful. Though I've been in motion for getting my license and have had my driving permit for a little over a year a job opportunity that popped up is what made me impulsively make an appointment. Suprisingly to me I passed. I had been bi-weekly paying a family member for a car they wanted to get rid of, so just in time of getting my license I also have a car too!! The girls I work with who are my age weirdly enough don't have their license either, we all talked about getting it before we turn 30. I'm glad I actually followed through with that but it is strange that my peers were going through that as well.

Other than that, since I've gotten my new printer I also invested in new screen printing supplys!  I've been wanting to pick this up again for a very very long time. I just simply cannot purchase patches of some of my favorite bands or bands I just want to wear patches of. These are the first couple runs as I adjust the lights, burn time and screen size ect but so far not so bad. I'm going to make a page for my progress and I absolutely plan on printing my own art eventually. Here is a Harauna Sudo that I used as a tester but I absolutely won't be printing again, some Betty Boop, my little coneheadxmitb skull, Bummer, the Jeromes Dream/Orchid skull, Gore Forever Misogyny Never G.O.D. famous patch, MITB skull, and Violent Restiution.

🎧  newest h3 podcast

🌘 moon phase is 25.3% waning crescent 
 
 I bought Stresscase's Cut Me Off released in 2011 and boy does this vinyl bring back some memories! I looked for this release on Spotify and it wasn't there which is probably I haven't listened to it in so long. Only their split with Cerce comes up, which I haven't listened to, and only one of their lyrics from that release is posted, which sometimes makes me not listen to new music because I almost always want to read along with the music. But anyways, I used to be friends with this vocalist on Tumblr, but I was 16/17 and I never got to see their band live. I remember when I had "ran away" to Los Angeles with a boyfriend at 17 (that I also met on Tumblr) and we were trying to get to one of their shows but his car overheated so we never made it out. I don't even think I had a smart phone at that time, I even specifically remember only being able to communicate through social media on my laptop. When I played the vinyl I remembered every word so perfectly and was able to recall memories long forgotten. They gave special thanks to La Bella on this record, a band I also forgot existed. A vague memory I have with them is when I moved to PDX at 19 with my best friend at the time and her boyfriend at the time. We went to a party at a house with one of the members. I immediately went to their facebook to see if I could recongize who it was and I found him! He was sweet and he broke a window by accident in a small upstairs bedroom that was painted black. These type of experiences were very new to me and I remember feeling very anxious but I guess now I can look back at them fondly. Anyways I'm super glad I bought this vinyl! I've lost contact with Sararae but I hope she's doing okay. There's a lot of Tumblr friends I wish I still had contact with. 10 years gone by too fast. 

Last week I mentioned that a couple zines I was reading. 

I bought all of these from Hoax on Etsy if you want to check them out. Thou Shalt Not Talk about the White Boys' Club is a re-purchase. I originally had the PDF and I would just download it to whatever devices I was using at the time, but because I can't have my phone out at work and because I just want physical copies of things I like I rebought it! I don't think I've read it all the way through, but there is a part about throwing piss in a girls car and girl hate that has stuck with me over the many many years since I've read it. Current or Future Criminals I accidentally brought home which is why its covered in material from work. I bought another copy to keep at home or bring on the go when I need to read something. I'm almost done with this zine but it resonates with me so much. Coming from a family that was in and out of the prison system, having the cops constantly at my house as a child and being on juvenile probation from 13-16 this is definitly something I knew I wanted to read. My shift lead at work asked me while I was reading this one if I was reading more "communist propaganda" which is funny because sometimes I am, and I told him about prison abolition and what zines are and what they mean to me. I don't talk too much about my personal beliefs at work but sometimes I share with him because he is super informed about whats going on with the election and is anti-Trump. But pretty much anyone I talk to at work knows that I identify with communism, but I don't think any of them know what that means and only relate it to Russia. Burned Out, I havent began reading yet but I am excited to start and Grounding Wire I am almost close and I plan on talking about a little more down the line. 

I'm really glad I've dedicated more time to read at work. My job has cracked down on cell phone use so I've just kept my phone away unless I'm on break. Reading Sari's zines (Hoax Zines) has been really comforting and gets me out taking work problems too seriously which has been an issue with me lately. It's also been inspiring me to WRITE ANOTHER ZINE! More about that later, I promise!

🎧 nothing

🌖 moon phase is 76.7% waning gibbous 
 
Been playing Stardew Valley pretty much non-stop since the update. I've clocked 261 hours before the update but I only have half the achievements and the reason for that is because I keep changing/organizing my farm! Wish there was a creation mode! Maybe there might be, I'm too lazy to look it up.
 
I had pre-ordered a cook book from one of my old jobs Nom Eats, a vegan spot in Reno that shut it's doors. It was a food truck and then a sit down restaurant. Their food truck was the first vegan food truck in Reno. I miss Nom Eats, it was 100% vegan with 100% vegan owners but I'm glad they have moved onto different chapters of their life. Even though I am not in Reno anymore I'm sure Food Truck Friday isn't half as good without them. But at least I'll be able to make their recipes at home now.
 
It feels like I lived a different life back when I was in Reno. I honestly look back and wince at my 20's. If I could go back I'd do it differently but I'll be 30 this year, and I'll be glad to shed my skin with all of my horrible and embarrassing lived experiences. 

At work I have been reading Current or Future Criminals: How Survivorship, Activism, and a Rural Upbringing Led Me to Believing in Prison Abolition. I've had this zine in my tool bag at work for well over a year without finishing it. I have to be tending to machines so I don't get to read it very often unless on breaks. Last week I dedicated more time to reading it and I'll probably finish it by next week. It's covered in work material though, I wouldn't touch it with bare hands, so I bought a new copy. I also bought a new copy of Thou Shalt Not Talk about the White Boys' Club: Challenging the Unwritten Rules of Punk which I never owned a physcial copy of, but a PDF I bought many many many years ago (probably close to 10 years ago). I've been interested in reading these again because of how lost in my identity I feel. I don't think these will save me but maybe remind me of things I care about. 

🎧 nothing

🌙 moon phase is 28.1% waxing crescent 
 
I bought the s/t Dystopia 12" a while ago but I haven't blogged it yet. It came with another lyric booklet that is just as absolutely fucking amazing as the other one. My favorite songs from this album are "Leaning With The Intent To Fall" and "My Meds Aren't Working". 

and I also bought Deathrat's s/t and you guys... I am so happy I have this. Dystopia is sick but non dudes singing is my bread and butter. I miss this type of punk. I miss the feeling I had when I found new bands with singers like this, with lyrics that would resonate with me so much. There's a ton of bands out there like this, I know, but its special because of how young and angry I was at the time. There are two songs on here that I adore the most: "Girl Style" and "Fuck It". Girl Style because... duh. and Fuck It because THIS IS STILL HOW I FEEL!

I wake up each day full of dread, I’m terrified and bored with the day ahead

Hour after hour confined by institutions, categorizing problems and solutions

I don’t want to go to work today, I’d rather have a life

I don’t want to go to school today, I’ve been up all fucking night

I’ve wasted enough time learning your lessons, when do I learn for myself?

I’ve sat inside too long today, I’m feeling so unhealthy

I’m told I’m learning efficiency, placing value in production

Its really just obedience, I listen up, I sit down

This drains all of my energy, another day without meaning

Hours of my time that amount to nothing

If education is liberation then why does this feel like a trap

I’m wrong and you’re right, this equation doesn’t make any sense

Why do I believe there is value in these books that don’t mean shit to me

We seek authority in others, to keep denying that we have any

I’d rather get a real night’s sleep, I’d rather see my friends, I’d rather live for myself

I think I’ll just stay home

Besides vinyl updates, its really hard to share my life on the internet these days. It's probably stemming from how much I work and how I try not to (and fail) share my interests with my co-workers. I say fail because it's hard for me to be an unauthentic version of myself. I don't buy into the work hustle, I don't buy into that my company is trying to be sustainable, I'm not a pick me for my leadership and I'm not a fucking boot licker. But I do know better, I do know that it's probably better to not talk about the video I just watched about plutocracy, or about the up coming election, or Palestine, or trans issues, or women's rights ect. So what I usually am able to talk about without lessening myself is probably... work drama. But the cycle always repeats itself and it gets old and it's never stimulating unless it's about me and when it's about me I go back to remembering how this is my work place and I don't need to be involved. So I go to work and come home and go to work and come home and go to work and come home and go to work and come home then the weekend starts. So I stay at home and clean up, and do my makeup and make dinner and listen to podcasts and entertainment and watch movies but I'm barely talking to anyone and I do the same thing every single day. I'm barely sharing anything, I'm barely even acknowledging my own emotions, sometimes barely even thinking about anything. Some of the personal things I've written in my last blogs I just would remove because I just dont want to share anything. I don't know how to be authentic or even how to dress myself anymore. 

Speaking of dressing myself, I sewed a patch on a lil t shirt last night. I probably will never wear it but I miss dressing "punk". Everyday I wear a lil black shirt and sweater and black or blue jeans. My friend we'll call Daiya went through a middle aged punk crisis probably 7 years ago. I remember he would only wear flannels and jeans and it was like he lost his identity. We always tried to wear our gear when we would leave the house in case we ran into other "punks". So corny now that I can look back in hindsight but now it's happening to me. Who am I anymore? What do I enjoy? He got over it, he's popular in the punk scene and admired by baby punks all over but just before he started to gain popularity he went through this phase and I was still in my early 20's. Is this what happens when you grow up? I don't want any men to answer that for me.

So, I'm a little lost right now in my identity and I don't know how to fix that. Maybe with time it'll change but right now it feels strange being me.

🎧 Hands That Mold by Dystopia

🌕 moon phase is 96.4% waxing gibbous 
 
To start, I purchased the Human = Garbage vinyl from Dystopia. It came with a lyric booklet that I haven't completely gone through yet but I'm really enjoying the artwork from what I've looked at and its super inspiring. Dystopia is one of those bands that had a lasting impact on me as a teenager and resonates with me now more than ever that I'm an exhausted anti-work but always working sometimes suicidal adult. I can still listen to "Stress Builds Character" and every bass line and every lyric still feels like its the first time I've listened to it. And "Sanctity" still absolutely rocks me. This is single handedly one of my most favorite albums of my lifetime and I'm so glad I own it. 

It feels so nice to collect vinyls from some of my favorite bands in the world. It makes me think about how much I need to buy The Used s/t and how ready I am to drop BANDS if I Hate Sex re-prints 'Circle Thinking'. I also really really want to own Megan The Stallion and Doja Cat vinyls. 

I also got La Dispute's 'Somewhere At The Bottom Of The River Between Vega And Altair' double vinyl which is so far the most expensive one I've bought so far. I immediately texted my childhood best friend when it came in the mail and told her about it and we talked about when we saw La Dispute, Touche Amore, Loma Preita and other bands in 2010. I told her one day we have to go see them again together. It truly is a sweet memory for me. Then of course I purchased Man Is The Bastards most recent release 'Live at St Vitus Bar in Brooklyn NY' and that one also came with a booklet which is SO cool and I can't wait to update my vinyl's page with the scans.

🎧 Sexist Appeal by Aus Rotten

🌖 moon phase is 64.8% waning gibbous 
 
I havent updated much because when I am not working I have been  mostly playing Hogwarts again. For my 2024 goals of expanding my record/cassette collection I have been purchasing new vinyls bi-weekly (every paycheck). Most records are pretty cheap and I haven't purchased any new cassettes but here is one of the recent vinyls:

Aus Rotten - Fuck Nazi Sympathy 7"

Aus Rotten is one the older bands that got me into punk as a young teenager. I remember making Aus Rotten stencil patches when first discovering how to DIY. I still have an Aus Rotten patch even from all those years ago on one of my very first vests I ever made on a blue flannel. The Adicts, The Virus, the Tank Girl, and The Profits patches are all hand painted it looks like. I couldn't tell you where that Cheap Sex patch is from but I can tell you that I havent listened to any of those bands besides The Adicts in many many years. Can't name a song or what kind of punk they are. 🤷‍♀️

Another small memory I have related to Aus Rotten is a boy I breifly dated in Jr. High who's name is Austin. He had his name as Aus Rotten on Myspace, and I honestly don't think I knew it was a band at the time, it might even be how I discovered them. I remember his bedroom had a huge Adicts flag in it, a band I did know at the time. Oh to be 15 again.
 
The vinyl also came with a small poster. Everybody knows this face. But he went to UNR, so everyone locally knows him too. I don't think I'll be hanging this one up, but its kind of funny. 

🌑 moon phase is 0.1% new moon 
 
Currently there is a snowstorm that will inevitably knock out the power for a couple hours to an entire day. I'm charging my ipad and my phone and have my candles and a lighter in reaching distance. Luckily I use gas at my house so I won't have to worry about heating and cooking food so for now I am enjoying the view of the window from my computer where I can see probably 6 inches or more of snow outside. It's comfortable here and when the power goes out I will sketch on my ipad from my bedroom. Maybe I should download some shows from Netflix now 😬. I took Kinny outside to enjoy the snow with me, I wanted to take photos but the snow is so deep I was afraid he would run away and be stuck out there, so I kept him bundled in my arms until he shivered so I brought him back inside where he lays on the windowsill watching the snow fall. 

The beginning of the year is going well. I feel graciously thankful for all that I have even with the ups and downs life has for me. I got arrested on Monday. Which might make you think would throw a wrench in my gratitude but it doesn't. I was out within 2 hours and headed to work 30 minutes after my release. Though it was my first time being arrested in my adult life, it really was just a drop in the bucket for my week. It was a good week overall. 

The things I really care about are the new records and merch I recived this week!

For one of my 2024 resolutions, I want to make an effort to collect more music memorabilia. I thought about how much I wished I still had the free Loma Prieta cd I recieved from them at the La Dispute/Touche Amore/Loma Prieta show in 2010 because of how meaningful that show was for me. La Dispute and Touche Amore played their split together which is hands down one of my favorite splits of all time. I don't know where that cd went, but thats the case for a lot of my memories because of how unstable my life has been up until the last 3 and a half years. So why not build?

I recived a Plutocracy 12" from Alimentary Music that came with 2 inserts, one with art and lyrics and the other a band photo. Plutocracy is going to be one of the bands I will be heavy hunting records over. The second one I recieved this week is from Ebay. I don't know too much about ordering from ebay or too much about owning vinyls so I don't know about authenticity but that I really don't mind bootleg stuff as long as the band isn't active or the band doesn't mind, I really just wanna own the music I like so with that being said I don't know how auethentic things can be from ebay, it's just something I'll have to learn from time, but I bought Man Is The Bastard "Thoughtless..." (1995) that was obtained from an estate sale sorta cheap and in less than good condition. The inserts are fucking great so... worth it imo. I also recieved a few shirts from an artist online I really enjoy that I will be cropping, a new romper, new cotton overalls, and a Haggus shirt but I'm too lazy and cozy to take photos of those right now. 

I think I will spend the rest of the night playing games until I lose power or get too sleepy, so that's all for tonight!

🎧 Dysphoria by GROKE

🌖 moon phase is 92.1% waning gibbous 
 
I woke up feeling great today. Last night I woke up around 12 am and stayed up until 9pm deep cleaning my house with my browser open taking breaks to work on the website aesthetic and taking other breaks to draw on my new ipad. 
 I'll be working on new art to publish all this week and next week. Speaking of- I got an ipad for Christmas! My boyfriend went out of his way to buy us both brand new ipads and we have both been spending our time creating and figuring out how to use the software. I feel like a creative outlet for me has been filled. I havent drawn or finished this much art since I've been at my job in the past 2 years. He also 3D printed these hanger type things to display my comics, zines, and records and stuffed a bunch of them in my stocking with a new package of nails to hang them with. The amount of thoughtfulness this man has shown me is really meaningful. We also told each other we loved each other which is very special.

And when I peaked out my door today I noticed my most recent purchase of Bastard Noise came in today.

If you didn't know: my little skull on the left and right of my logo is from Man Is The Bastard (I'll use Bastard Noise/Man Is The Bastard interchangeably if I talk about them). I elongated the skull because I love The Coneheads. 

ah ah ah ah ah
 
I want to spend more time in 2024 collecting vinyls, tapes, comics, and zines along with creating zines and patches and stickers too. My boyfriend also wants to learn how to make stickers and has worked for a diy screen prining company in the past while he was in college so I know it'll be easier for me to start something up because I'll have support.

Overall 2023 has been a good year. There has been ups and downs but in hindsight, I'm ending this year full of gratitude.

I won't be finishing the December 2023 prompt, and I got rid of my previous entries again :) See ya next year!